If that's the case, I would rather be home reading.

I've mentioned sex here before, pre-separation. Here we go again. This time I am not so enthused about the topic.

I recently started dating. And by dating I mean one date. Though it has only been one date I have spent time talking to other guys. I just got to a point where I figured, hey, why not?

Most days I'm not sure what I want. Dating is a scary prospect on any given day but even more so when you have a child. It's almost like I'm sneaking out sometimes even though I'm only attempting this when Abi is with her dad. I still feel sneaky though.

My first date was fine. It was laid back, everything I thought it would be. I was happy that my date for the night was nervous like me. It made me feel comfortable.

I love sex. I think about it probably more than any girl I know. When it comes down to it you can bet that I am pretty much always ready to go. That doesn't mean I will though. While I have considered a "friends with benefits" relationship I can't actually go through with it. I don't need a relationship with sex but there does need to be some substance there.

What do men not understand about women? It's not hard really. For example, I am more likely to engage in sexual intercourse with a male if he wants to know what's on my mind....what I think and how I feel. If the only conversation leading up to sex....is about sex then it probably won't happen. And I want sex more than any girl I know. All the time. At least fake that you are interested in knowing what I think about.

Men assume that women want to tie them down in a relationship as soon as possible. The fact that I would become irritable very quickly about a guy's need to talk only about sex or the possibility of sex with me doesn't mean I want a relationship before we have sex. I don't even want a relationship. I don't want anything close to it right now. It doesn't mean I don' want to talk first though.

I wonder......I know that physical attraction plays a strong role for both males and females. It seems to me though that it only gets you to a starting point. I have to know what someone is thinking. And if they don't think, or think only about sex then that is a major turn off. To me, actions and thoughts make up most of my attraction to another person. I need someone who thinks.

It should be sexy to a possible date that I cry after reading 1984 every damn time....that Nelson Mandela and Lee Iacocca rock my world....that I want to save children....that I worry about not doing enough for the enviroment...that I can change my own break pads and rotors...that I can grow and can my own food......when a guy finds that stuff more sexy then my double D cups....hey, I will be ready to go.

Calm down....deep breaths...and get yourself dressed instead...of running around and pulling your threads and breaking yourself up....

I know what it feels like to be hated.
To know that no matter how hard I tried I would always be disgusting to you.
And I would never be her….
Because when you look at her you see brilliance and beauty.
When you look at me you see dumb and ugly.
And did you think I might not catch on to the view,
When you spent so much time making me believe I would never compare to her?

And I don’t mean to sound bitter so much.
But I get tired of saying I’m sorry because I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.
I wouldn’t resume things so I know it shouldn’t matter so much.
But I know what it’s like to be hated now…
And it’s a little harder to forget that than anything else.

I think though…that if for a short time I stop worrying about how my feelings will make everyone else feel….
Than I can sort through it all.
When so many years are spent forgetting who you are and what you believe,
It’s harder to find an original thought or a firm opinion.
I have to remind myself, that I’m aloud to think anything I want now.
And the things I think and feel aren’t so stupid.
They might matter to someone….somewhere….someday.

But it’s harder to remember that once you know what it’s like to be hated.