Wow. It's amazing how a mind can change so fast. The last time I wrote "All I need..." in the title of a blog I think there might have possibly said something about nyquil, mexican tequila and a knock upside the head. Eh, I still might need that every once in awhile but not lately.
The other night I sat down at the kitchen table with my mom, my grandmother and Abi. We had decided to make hot tea and had a real tea party with Abi. Afterwards, I sat there, drinking more tea and enjoying a good book. I actually took a picture of my book and huge cup of tea and sent it to a couple of people. Emilie texted me back telling me it was a beautiful sight. I know, I know.
My family, they aren't horrible. Living with them since the flood and now the separation has been difficult but mostly because I'm so independent. I don't want to make it habit, living with them though I know my mom would keep me there forever if she could. We have learned to enjoy each others company and that has taken many, many years to do. I credit it to her being clean and sober for a couple years now.
Abi is starting to freak me out. She is growing up and I don't want to admit it, I don't want to believe it. Yesterday she asked me if she could get a pedicure. What? My first instinct was to shout no and curl up in a ball and cry over her growing up to fast but I didn't. Mostly because I was driving at the time. It gave me time to think though and I eventually told her I would take her to get one soon.
I have always cherished the fact that Abi is a tomboy. Some would say that I have fostered that in her but the girl has her own mind. If she wanted to run around in a tutu all day while listening to Hannah Montanna I wouldn't be able to change her. She doesn't though...thank goodness. I can only hope that she will still want to catch frogs even with her toenails painted and polished all nice.
I want her to be who she is, whoever she wants to be. I just don't want her to do anything because everyone else is. I want her to be an individual....a good individual. I have a dislike for girls. They spend so much time being dramatic and gossiping and tearing each other down. I want Abi to be the girl that befriends the loner, the girl that sticks up for the kid being made fun even though all her friends joined in on all the bullying, I want her to knee or punch the first boy that makes an unwanted advance and walk away smiling. It's not so much to want that for her. Hopefully a pedicure doesn't tear down what I have been building for four years.
Until then I just need a few good books and a strong cup of tea to get through all her growing up. As long as she still wakes up making faces at me and laughing it will be okay. As long as every once in awhile I still wake up covered in marker because she drew on me after I feel asleep it will be okay. As long as she still listens to Wilco and The Beatles with me we will be just fine. As long as she still lays on my arm while falling asleep the world will keep spinning. As long as we can dance wildly while singing Lauri Berkner songs at the top of our longs we will be okay. As long as she still makes faces in the rearview mirror to get my attention in the car we will be fine.
I'm not so stupid. I know how lucky I am to have her. She is a miracle because somehow I was chosen to be her mom. I don't let myself forget that.
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