I've been working to much. I tried to convince myself that my next check will make it all worth it but we all know it will be a big dissapointment. I am in fact, at work right now. I can quiet remember if I am still at work or if I left and arrived at work again. I'm that far gone. You can see that besides grocery shopping for work, I have not been that productive. Emilie, please forgive me.
Today is Andrea's funeral. I'm still in shock and pretty numb about her death. She was so young, her kids were young and it was so very unexpected. In a way, I refuse to believe that she has actually died so I can't ever imagine how her family feels, her parents, her children....her fiance. If, at work, her loss has hit us hard it must be even harder for her family.
I always try to be good people (that was for you Emilie) but I have to take some time here and wonder how good of a person I really am. I don't know, I really don't know. I get that I am probably my biggest critic and I'm not sure where to draw the line. You should want to be a better person but you probably shouldn't beat yourself up to much.
I feel like people can spend so much time disliking each other, but for what? I'm guilty of it. Ask me about those kids at work. But I have to wonder, how does fostering a dislike for anyone do anything productive for anyone? Maybe hate starts with a negative thought. Sure ignorance plays it's part but isn't being so negative in the first place ignorant?
In the end, what good does it all do? While I don't want to be that fake smiling person that loves everyone I don't want to be so negative anymore either. And I get that some would say I could be more negative where Mike is concerned, that I'm to nice as it is but it just doesn't feel that way.
It's been a crazy year. That damn flood started it all. Joking.....hmmm not really. I don't know. I'm going to make the best of it. I had a long conversation with Matt today about how I'm not sure I want to be single but I don't see myself ever getting married again. I like the freedom I have right now to focus on myself and figure out who I am. I like knowing that I can hang out with my guy friends without someone getting jealous. Single sounds good.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I'm good people.
Wow, it has been awhile. I've neglected this blog because I was tired of writing about crap, aka my separation and work crap. Did I mention crap?
I'm going to do something unheard of for me. I'm going to write about positive things. This of course being inspired by Emilie and her blogging adventures. It's funny that I would say that because Emilie and I only write this stuff for each other though my page tells me other people have been looking. Don't do it people. I'm telling you now this is the kind of shit only Emilie can understand.
I was thinking a lot about work last night. I have had a good couple of work days mostly brought on by the fact that I got to work with Emilie on Monday. My good mood has carried from there. Here is what I thought about......I love working with the mentally ill. I realize it isn't a job I should focus on forever and that isn't my intention but man I love those crazy clients. Sometimes.
Beyond that there are a select few coworkers that I am crazy about as well. You build that connection after awhile and though it will pain you to hear it I must say it reminds me of Royal Fork in that aspect.
Let's make a top ten list! Here are my top ten favorite memories of Hamilton Center thus far. Pay no attention to the order. It ain't a thing.
1. Getting punched in the face by my favorite client of all times. Don't let his small size fool you people. When the boy isn't well mentally he packs a mean punch. I had the blackened face to prove it.
2. The night of the Terre Haute tornadoes at Ft. Harrison. I was stuck in a small laundry room with ten mentally ill guys all night. I never saw any tornadoes but had to stay hunkered down witht he clients all the same. After a few hours of no smoking they got pissed. Thanks to that night my vocab of bad words tripled. I've got the foul language to prove it. I've never been called a god damn whore so many times. Good times, good times.
3. Playing Uno with Matt and falling out of my chair for no reason at all. It's what I do. I walk, I fall. I sit, I fall. I wake up in the morning and I fall down the stairs. I've got the bruises to prove it.
4. Hamilton Center Softball. We never won but we always drank a lot. It was even better after Emilie joined. One game Matt, Sarah and I made a pact not to drink. That pact lasted all of the work day. We got to the park then quickly turned around and found a liquor store. I've got the beer belly to prove it.
5. Book club....all two times. Book club with John's whiskey and Emilie's coping skills was the best. As usual Emilie and I were the only one's to talk about the book. I've got the knowledge to prove it.
6. Handing out presents to the clients with Cody one Christmas eve only to discover a client bought Cody and I gifts as well. I watched Cody open his gift and saw that he received a beer stein with two pairs of silk boxers stuffed in it. I will never forget it, ever. Cody has the boxers to prove it.
7. One birthday a client came back from free time toting a bag from CVS. He then told me he had a birthday present for me. I tried to explain to him for what might have been the 20th time I couldn't take gifts from him. He gave me my gift anyway. Two sticks of deoderant. I've got the smell good armpits to prove it.
8. Cowering in the kitchen with Emilie as a very irate client threw plates at us. This is the same client who pretends to kill me on a daily basis. Subacute is short about five plates to prove it.
9. Lunch time rewind. Enough said. I have a vast knowledge of cheesy 90's lyrics to prove it.
10. Listening to the radio while watching Matt play mobsters yet again only to find that we are both dancing together. He was executing a very fine robot while I was raising the roof. We both agreed never to speak of it ever again.
It's not really a top ten list. Just the first ten that came to my head. I need to do something now, like medicate the mentally ill while picturing Emilie naked. What? Whoa....I didn't just think that. I'm good people after all.
I'm going to do something unheard of for me. I'm going to write about positive things. This of course being inspired by Emilie and her blogging adventures. It's funny that I would say that because Emilie and I only write this stuff for each other though my page tells me other people have been looking. Don't do it people. I'm telling you now this is the kind of shit only Emilie can understand.
I was thinking a lot about work last night. I have had a good couple of work days mostly brought on by the fact that I got to work with Emilie on Monday. My good mood has carried from there. Here is what I thought about......I love working with the mentally ill. I realize it isn't a job I should focus on forever and that isn't my intention but man I love those crazy clients. Sometimes.
Beyond that there are a select few coworkers that I am crazy about as well. You build that connection after awhile and though it will pain you to hear it I must say it reminds me of Royal Fork in that aspect.
Let's make a top ten list! Here are my top ten favorite memories of Hamilton Center thus far. Pay no attention to the order. It ain't a thing.
1. Getting punched in the face by my favorite client of all times. Don't let his small size fool you people. When the boy isn't well mentally he packs a mean punch. I had the blackened face to prove it.
2. The night of the Terre Haute tornadoes at Ft. Harrison. I was stuck in a small laundry room with ten mentally ill guys all night. I never saw any tornadoes but had to stay hunkered down witht he clients all the same. After a few hours of no smoking they got pissed. Thanks to that night my vocab of bad words tripled. I've got the foul language to prove it. I've never been called a god damn whore so many times. Good times, good times.
3. Playing Uno with Matt and falling out of my chair for no reason at all. It's what I do. I walk, I fall. I sit, I fall. I wake up in the morning and I fall down the stairs. I've got the bruises to prove it.
4. Hamilton Center Softball. We never won but we always drank a lot. It was even better after Emilie joined. One game Matt, Sarah and I made a pact not to drink. That pact lasted all of the work day. We got to the park then quickly turned around and found a liquor store. I've got the beer belly to prove it.
5. Book club....all two times. Book club with John's whiskey and Emilie's coping skills was the best. As usual Emilie and I were the only one's to talk about the book. I've got the knowledge to prove it.
6. Handing out presents to the clients with Cody one Christmas eve only to discover a client bought Cody and I gifts as well. I watched Cody open his gift and saw that he received a beer stein with two pairs of silk boxers stuffed in it. I will never forget it, ever. Cody has the boxers to prove it.
7. One birthday a client came back from free time toting a bag from CVS. He then told me he had a birthday present for me. I tried to explain to him for what might have been the 20th time I couldn't take gifts from him. He gave me my gift anyway. Two sticks of deoderant. I've got the smell good armpits to prove it.
8. Cowering in the kitchen with Emilie as a very irate client threw plates at us. This is the same client who pretends to kill me on a daily basis. Subacute is short about five plates to prove it.
9. Lunch time rewind. Enough said. I have a vast knowledge of cheesy 90's lyrics to prove it.
10. Listening to the radio while watching Matt play mobsters yet again only to find that we are both dancing together. He was executing a very fine robot while I was raising the roof. We both agreed never to speak of it ever again.
It's not really a top ten list. Just the first ten that came to my head. I need to do something now, like medicate the mentally ill while picturing Emilie naked. What? Whoa....I didn't just think that. I'm good people after all.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Maybe the sun will shine today.....
Oh man. I have not been in the right state of mind to write for a little bit. I’m not sure I am now. I have so much going on in my head and I feel like it might be a good idea to get it out.
Mike and I are going on two weeks of separation. The separation thus far has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. It would be like that under normal circumstances but as usual we manage to complicate it as much as possible. I suppose, I am more dramatic than I like to think. However, with each passing day we come closer to knowing where we want to be with this separation; which as apart.
We don’t function well together. The bitterness of trying to function well together is such that we make each other miserable and hurt each other in the worst imaginable ways. It just won’t work. I don’t know if it ever will again. I don’t think we are ready to fill out divorce papers but we definitely need time and space. If we can manage friendship at this point then…well….good for us. It is all I have the energy for.
It is hard with a child involved. I have to admit that if we based our choices on what is totally right for her then we would just tolerate each other and stay together. One can only hope that she is as resilient as we make her out to be. One can only hope. Time and future therapy bills will tell us in due time.
So now I have had almost two weeks to adjust to this separation. And it has taken that much time. I have done not as well as I could have but better than I would have thought. Perhaps I am more resilient than I thought. Perhaps we all are.
Though Mike and I are free of each other I have no desire to date anyone at all. I want to focus on myself and what I need and want and I don’t want to be dependent on a male to provide happiness for me. I want to find it on my own first. I don’t want to feel like I have to change for anyone or fear of what someone thinks of me. I’m just too tired to do that. Is that selfish? I hope so. I feel like being selfish. I hope Mike feels the same. That is what a separation is about…after Abi that is. She should always come first.
I don’t want much for myself. Just to know that I have attempted to do everything I ever wanted to do. I have plans, oh yes, I do.
What is my heart’s desire? Well, it is quiet simple. I picture myself in a house filled with books. I love books and I can’t live without them. They have to be in every room. I want a house bursting with books. I want the pantry filled with things that I grew and canned with my own hands. A cookie jar filled with cookies Abi and I made our selves.
In the yard should be lots of flower that Abi and I worked together to plant. A clothesline with fresh laundered linens hanging to dry. Did I mention chickens? Oh yes, there should be chickens that we collect eggs from. Chickens that I can feed everyday.
I want home cooked meals three times a day. I want friends and family to walk in on a regular basis and never have to knock. Is this vision to small or too big? I am not sure. I am not sure why it was not attainable before.
The more I look at my marriage the more I realize that it was not the fault of one (man do I want to say Mike here) but of both. Could we have tried harder? I’m sure of it. However, I’m not sure it would have yielded a different result in the end. We were not that sure when we got married. We were still two kids just having fun. Just doing what was expected.
The best thing I hope to get from all this is to be friends again. To be there for each other and to be the best parents we can for Abi. Traditional separations and divorces dictate that it should be messier. I don’t think so though. I think if we keep our heads on straight we can do this right and in the least hurtful way, I hope.
Lastly, I have come up with a new business adventure. This is not new for me. Lauri and I used to sit around dreaming up these things….we just never implemented them at all. And there were many, many, and many of them.
For some reason I like to clean other people’s houses. It’s weird and stupid because I don’t like to clean mine all that much at times. So I can’t explain it. When my great grandmother was dying I used to go clean my grandmothers clients houses all the time for her. She spent years cleaning houses for people and I loved tagging along. It is something I thought of doing on the side. Then, I totally shocked myself by coming up with an original spin for this business. I should go green with it and offer people a cleaning service with environmentally friendly cleaning products. The environment wins and it will be safer for children, pets and adults living in the house. Wow, I amaze myself. Not to mention that the products will be less inexpensive.
Mike also mentioned that I could help interested clients set up recycling areas. I could do that! Mike and I fell out of recycling but we were hard core over it for the longest time. I even went as far as refusing to buy baby food in the plastic containers because I could not recycle them.
So I lined up two work friends at reduced rates to try this out. I want to make sure that my products work, the clients are satisfied with them and I’m not going to kill myself before I commit to this hardcore. However, I am pretty damn excited about this. Rachel Carson would be too!
I might need a backup job if I keep pissing my boss off (Thanks a lot Emilie!). I think I am going to start making small goals for myself. A plan of action. I am only functioning well about every other day. That is no way to live. I think I can do better. And…I would like nothing better than to piss my mom off by showing her that Mike and I are doing the right thing by separating. I’m moving on with my bad self. Woohoo!
Mike and I are going on two weeks of separation. The separation thus far has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. It would be like that under normal circumstances but as usual we manage to complicate it as much as possible. I suppose, I am more dramatic than I like to think. However, with each passing day we come closer to knowing where we want to be with this separation; which as apart.
We don’t function well together. The bitterness of trying to function well together is such that we make each other miserable and hurt each other in the worst imaginable ways. It just won’t work. I don’t know if it ever will again. I don’t think we are ready to fill out divorce papers but we definitely need time and space. If we can manage friendship at this point then…well….good for us. It is all I have the energy for.
It is hard with a child involved. I have to admit that if we based our choices on what is totally right for her then we would just tolerate each other and stay together. One can only hope that she is as resilient as we make her out to be. One can only hope. Time and future therapy bills will tell us in due time.
So now I have had almost two weeks to adjust to this separation. And it has taken that much time. I have done not as well as I could have but better than I would have thought. Perhaps I am more resilient than I thought. Perhaps we all are.
Though Mike and I are free of each other I have no desire to date anyone at all. I want to focus on myself and what I need and want and I don’t want to be dependent on a male to provide happiness for me. I want to find it on my own first. I don’t want to feel like I have to change for anyone or fear of what someone thinks of me. I’m just too tired to do that. Is that selfish? I hope so. I feel like being selfish. I hope Mike feels the same. That is what a separation is about…after Abi that is. She should always come first.
I don’t want much for myself. Just to know that I have attempted to do everything I ever wanted to do. I have plans, oh yes, I do.
What is my heart’s desire? Well, it is quiet simple. I picture myself in a house filled with books. I love books and I can’t live without them. They have to be in every room. I want a house bursting with books. I want the pantry filled with things that I grew and canned with my own hands. A cookie jar filled with cookies Abi and I made our selves.
In the yard should be lots of flower that Abi and I worked together to plant. A clothesline with fresh laundered linens hanging to dry. Did I mention chickens? Oh yes, there should be chickens that we collect eggs from. Chickens that I can feed everyday.
I want home cooked meals three times a day. I want friends and family to walk in on a regular basis and never have to knock. Is this vision to small or too big? I am not sure. I am not sure why it was not attainable before.
The more I look at my marriage the more I realize that it was not the fault of one (man do I want to say Mike here) but of both. Could we have tried harder? I’m sure of it. However, I’m not sure it would have yielded a different result in the end. We were not that sure when we got married. We were still two kids just having fun. Just doing what was expected.
The best thing I hope to get from all this is to be friends again. To be there for each other and to be the best parents we can for Abi. Traditional separations and divorces dictate that it should be messier. I don’t think so though. I think if we keep our heads on straight we can do this right and in the least hurtful way, I hope.
Lastly, I have come up with a new business adventure. This is not new for me. Lauri and I used to sit around dreaming up these things….we just never implemented them at all. And there were many, many, and many of them.
For some reason I like to clean other people’s houses. It’s weird and stupid because I don’t like to clean mine all that much at times. So I can’t explain it. When my great grandmother was dying I used to go clean my grandmothers clients houses all the time for her. She spent years cleaning houses for people and I loved tagging along. It is something I thought of doing on the side. Then, I totally shocked myself by coming up with an original spin for this business. I should go green with it and offer people a cleaning service with environmentally friendly cleaning products. The environment wins and it will be safer for children, pets and adults living in the house. Wow, I amaze myself. Not to mention that the products will be less inexpensive.
Mike also mentioned that I could help interested clients set up recycling areas. I could do that! Mike and I fell out of recycling but we were hard core over it for the longest time. I even went as far as refusing to buy baby food in the plastic containers because I could not recycle them.
So I lined up two work friends at reduced rates to try this out. I want to make sure that my products work, the clients are satisfied with them and I’m not going to kill myself before I commit to this hardcore. However, I am pretty damn excited about this. Rachel Carson would be too!
I might need a backup job if I keep pissing my boss off (Thanks a lot Emilie!). I think I am going to start making small goals for myself. A plan of action. I am only functioning well about every other day. That is no way to live. I think I can do better. And…I would like nothing better than to piss my mom off by showing her that Mike and I are doing the right thing by separating. I’m moving on with my bad self. Woohoo!
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