Hello, tell me you know. You figured me out...something gave it away.

I've been working to much. I tried to convince myself that my next check will make it all worth it but we all know it will be a big dissapointment. I am in fact, at work right now. I can quiet remember if I am still at work or if I left and arrived at work again. I'm that far gone. You can see that besides grocery shopping for work, I have not been that productive. Emilie, please forgive me.

Today is Andrea's funeral. I'm still in shock and pretty numb about her death. She was so young, her kids were young and it was so very unexpected. In a way, I refuse to believe that she has actually died so I can't ever imagine how her family feels, her parents, her children....her fiance. If, at work, her loss has hit us hard it must be even harder for her family.

I always try to be good people (that was for you Emilie) but I have to take some time here and wonder how good of a person I really am. I don't know, I really don't know. I get that I am probably my biggest critic and I'm not sure where to draw the line. You should want to be a better person but you probably shouldn't beat yourself up to much.

I feel like people can spend so much time disliking each other, but for what? I'm guilty of it. Ask me about those kids at work. But I have to wonder, how does fostering a dislike for anyone do anything productive for anyone? Maybe hate starts with a negative thought. Sure ignorance plays it's part but isn't being so negative in the first place ignorant?

In the end, what good does it all do? While I don't want to be that fake smiling person that loves everyone I don't want to be so negative anymore either. And I get that some would say I could be more negative where Mike is concerned, that I'm to nice as it is but it just doesn't feel that way.

It's been a crazy year. That damn flood started it all. Joking.....hmmm not really. I don't know. I'm going to make the best of it. I had a long conversation with Matt today about how I'm not sure I want to be single but I don't see myself ever getting married again. I like the freedom I have right now to focus on myself and figure out who I am. I like knowing that I can hang out with my guy friends without someone getting jealous. Single sounds good.