Maybe the sun will shine today.....

Oh man. I have not been in the right state of mind to write for a little bit. I’m not sure I am now. I have so much going on in my head and I feel like it might be a good idea to get it out.

Mike and I are going on two weeks of separation. The separation thus far has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. It would be like that under normal circumstances but as usual we manage to complicate it as much as possible. I suppose, I am more dramatic than I like to think. However, with each passing day we come closer to knowing where we want to be with this separation; which as apart.

We don’t function well together. The bitterness of trying to function well together is such that we make each other miserable and hurt each other in the worst imaginable ways. It just won’t work. I don’t know if it ever will again. I don’t think we are ready to fill out divorce papers but we definitely need time and space. If we can manage friendship at this point then…well….good for us. It is all I have the energy for.

It is hard with a child involved. I have to admit that if we based our choices on what is totally right for her then we would just tolerate each other and stay together. One can only hope that she is as resilient as we make her out to be. One can only hope. Time and future therapy bills will tell us in due time.

So now I have had almost two weeks to adjust to this separation. And it has taken that much time. I have done not as well as I could have but better than I would have thought. Perhaps I am more resilient than I thought. Perhaps we all are.

Though Mike and I are free of each other I have no desire to date anyone at all. I want to focus on myself and what I need and want and I don’t want to be dependent on a male to provide happiness for me. I want to find it on my own first. I don’t want to feel like I have to change for anyone or fear of what someone thinks of me. I’m just too tired to do that. Is that selfish? I hope so. I feel like being selfish. I hope Mike feels the same. That is what a separation is about…after Abi that is. She should always come first.

I don’t want much for myself. Just to know that I have attempted to do everything I ever wanted to do. I have plans, oh yes, I do.

What is my heart’s desire? Well, it is quiet simple. I picture myself in a house filled with books. I love books and I can’t live without them. They have to be in every room. I want a house bursting with books. I want the pantry filled with things that I grew and canned with my own hands. A cookie jar filled with cookies Abi and I made our selves.

In the yard should be lots of flower that Abi and I worked together to plant. A clothesline with fresh laundered linens hanging to dry. Did I mention chickens? Oh yes, there should be chickens that we collect eggs from. Chickens that I can feed everyday.

I want home cooked meals three times a day. I want friends and family to walk in on a regular basis and never have to knock. Is this vision to small or too big? I am not sure. I am not sure why it was not attainable before.

The more I look at my marriage the more I realize that it was not the fault of one (man do I want to say Mike here) but of both. Could we have tried harder? I’m sure of it. However, I’m not sure it would have yielded a different result in the end. We were not that sure when we got married. We were still two kids just having fun. Just doing what was expected.

The best thing I hope to get from all this is to be friends again. To be there for each other and to be the best parents we can for Abi. Traditional separations and divorces dictate that it should be messier. I don’t think so though. I think if we keep our heads on straight we can do this right and in the least hurtful way, I hope.

Lastly, I have come up with a new business adventure. This is not new for me. Lauri and I used to sit around dreaming up these things….we just never implemented them at all. And there were many, many, and many of them.

For some reason I like to clean other people’s houses. It’s weird and stupid because I don’t like to clean mine all that much at times. So I can’t explain it. When my great grandmother was dying I used to go clean my grandmothers clients houses all the time for her. She spent years cleaning houses for people and I loved tagging along. It is something I thought of doing on the side. Then, I totally shocked myself by coming up with an original spin for this business. I should go green with it and offer people a cleaning service with environmentally friendly cleaning products. The environment wins and it will be safer for children, pets and adults living in the house. Wow, I amaze myself. Not to mention that the products will be less inexpensive.

Mike also mentioned that I could help interested clients set up recycling areas. I could do that! Mike and I fell out of recycling but we were hard core over it for the longest time. I even went as far as refusing to buy baby food in the plastic containers because I could not recycle them.

So I lined up two work friends at reduced rates to try this out. I want to make sure that my products work, the clients are satisfied with them and I’m not going to kill myself before I commit to this hardcore. However, I am pretty damn excited about this. Rachel Carson would be too!

I might need a backup job if I keep pissing my boss off (Thanks a lot Emilie!). I think I am going to start making small goals for myself. A plan of action. I am only functioning well about every other day. That is no way to live. I think I can do better. And…I would like nothing better than to piss my mom off by showing her that Mike and I are doing the right thing by separating. I’m moving on with my bad self. Woohoo!