Shit. All I really want to do is curl up in fetal position in the corner and cry. I kind of want to be dramatic about it as well. I picture myself with eyes so swollen that I look like I have been beaten up and tears that won’t stop saying over and over again “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” Are you feeling sorry for me yet? Don’t be. I refuse to pull any of that dramatic shit.
It has been one hell of a week. I’ve survived the first week and if you even knew the half of it you would be handing my sorry ass a Grammy right now for the best performance of my life. And because I haven’t broke down completely with all the bullshit going on I’m going to get all high and mighty and coach you how to get through this if ever it should happen to you. Ready, set, go!
This is Rebecca’s sure fire way to survive a separation.
Step 1: Let Go. This is important. You can’t move on without doing this. Don’t try to tell me you love him and you know he will get around to loving you. Let go. This makes for a more civil separation if there is such a thing.
Step 2: Separate living spaces ASAP. Don’t be staying in the same house like idiots. With separation comes bitterness. By the time you get to this point you will have spent so much time beating each other up so surely you can both execute this move without trying to hold on to much.
Step 3: Purchase a big fucking bottle of vodka. Go ahead and make it Smirnoff. You deserve it. Don’t drink it now. You are still okay. However, you are going to need that shit the first night your kid stays the night with the ex. If you don’t have a kid then by all means get to drinking.
Step 4: This is the step where you realize you need to stop calling the ex. You won’t realize that though until he stops answering your calls and texts. A friend after separation probably isn’t going to be a big hit at first.
Step 5: Convince your family that this what you need by turning into some cleaning, smiling, singing control freak. They will think you are getting back to good. You will know it’s because if you stop moving for one second you will loose it and may never find composure again.
Step 6: When you exhaust yourself from cleaning and everything is spinning and you feel like you are going to faint because you haven’t been sleeping then go to a dark room, lay down in the bed and tell yourself that you are not going to fall apart over and over and over again. When everything stops spinning and you have blinked back any tears then you may get up and continue putting on that good show.
Step 7: Put down the god damned cell phone! Didn’t we already cover this? You will not call people. You will get used to being alone. Understand that there are people who care for you but if you are going to get past this and move on it will need to be alone.
Step 8: Do try to remember to eat something every once in awhile. You need to take care of yourself.
Step 9: Do not dwell on everything you are loosing. Think about what you want to gain.
Step 10: Write a about it. You’ve got to get it out somehow :)
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The quote goes something like, "The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end".......
It’s only the middle of the week and already it feels like it’s dragged on. It has been a most unusual week. It has been a very hard week. Mike and I have decided to separate. We have decided that we are no longer good together, that we no longer exist. It was a very mutual decision. One that has taken years to recognize and months to decide. It is what is best.
I’m okay with all this but I’m also very on edge. I have had no time to myself since the decision. I’m either at work or taking care of Abi or at the beck and call of my family. I feel like I’m going insane. A separation under normal circumstances would be hard but one where you aren’t given any alone time to deal with everything and cry is far worse. I took the day off of work to try and deal with everything and have been up and have been busier than if I were actually at work. My family really sucks right now.
I gave them notice that I would need to go into town to run errands and hoped against all hope that it would provide me some alone time. Then my mom informs me that I need to pick up my crack head brother and run him around. I have to think that if I can survive this without any time to deal than surely I am a lot stronger than I thought.
It makes it harder that Mike is still here. I don’t want to tell my family until he moves out. So I stay out of my usual hiding places to give him some space and have been forced to interact full time with my family. I do love them…I think. Someone is always yelling here. Even when they are talking they are yelling. I fell down the god damned stairs yet again this morning. Maybe I have already hit the point of crazy and just haven’t recognized it.
Fuck it…I’m going to Canada :)
I’m okay with all this but I’m also very on edge. I have had no time to myself since the decision. I’m either at work or taking care of Abi or at the beck and call of my family. I feel like I’m going insane. A separation under normal circumstances would be hard but one where you aren’t given any alone time to deal with everything and cry is far worse. I took the day off of work to try and deal with everything and have been up and have been busier than if I were actually at work. My family really sucks right now.
I gave them notice that I would need to go into town to run errands and hoped against all hope that it would provide me some alone time. Then my mom informs me that I need to pick up my crack head brother and run him around. I have to think that if I can survive this without any time to deal than surely I am a lot stronger than I thought.
It makes it harder that Mike is still here. I don’t want to tell my family until he moves out. So I stay out of my usual hiding places to give him some space and have been forced to interact full time with my family. I do love them…I think. Someone is always yelling here. Even when they are talking they are yelling. I fell down the god damned stairs yet again this morning. Maybe I have already hit the point of crazy and just haven’t recognized it.
Fuck it…I’m going to Canada :)
Sunday, September 21, 2008
I have a torrid love affair going on.........
With books that is. I fear that no one, not no one loves books as much as I. I'm dealing with it and moving on. Let me tell you though that you are missing a great deal when you don't make a proper habit of reading. However, I'm moving on.
I just finished another book today. I won't go into detail but it was good. I thought a great deal after I finished reading the book. I kept wondering what it is was that I liked about the book so much and then it hit me. Though the book was dry in some places there were moments where the words were perfect. They could stand alone from the book and still have a great deal of meaning.
I don't need books to relate to my life so I can relate to them. It's nice when it happens from time to time but I don't need it. I need them to teach me more than anything. I can't relate to people sometimes, a lot of times. Along the way I find a few people that I can learn from but I understand words more than anything.
Words so beautifully contained in books are always there. Sometimes I don't understand what they are saying and I have to mature a little and then come back and read them. This happened the first time I read "1984". I thought it was rubbish the first time I tried to get through it. The second time I picked it up I didn't stop reading it until I was done with it, until I was pissed off and crying like a mad woman in the end. That's the way it is with me...I am moved more by words and less by people.
Everyone knows who Nelson Mandela is. One day I purchased his biography "Long Walk To Freedom" at the book store. It turns out I did not know who he was at all. I was so moved by his book. I learned how ignorant I was about the struggles of South Africa. I learned how ignorant I was as a person. You could have yelled at me before I read that and told me how ignorant I was about South Africa's struggles but I would have disregarded you. I get written words though. I get books.
It's why I get so dissapointed in movies. I can't take it when a book I love so much gets turned into a movie. After a few tries of trying to watch the book turned into a movie go around I gave up. Unless I didn't fancy the book so much I won't watch the movie. It makes me pissed off when vital parts are left out and characters are cast all wrong. I get irate when the acting is not passionate enough for the words. If you have ever read "White Oleander" by Janet Fitch do not ever see the movie. It is awful and all wrong.
I use books as an escape always. They are precious to me. I don't need to brag and say that I can read a book in a day or that I read so many books each week. It doesn't matter. Perhaps reading is a different experience for each individual. I am only concerned that books provide an escape for me when I need, give me an excuse to cry when I need it, and teach me something always. It is enough for me.
I just finished another book today. I won't go into detail but it was good. I thought a great deal after I finished reading the book. I kept wondering what it is was that I liked about the book so much and then it hit me. Though the book was dry in some places there were moments where the words were perfect. They could stand alone from the book and still have a great deal of meaning.
I don't need books to relate to my life so I can relate to them. It's nice when it happens from time to time but I don't need it. I need them to teach me more than anything. I can't relate to people sometimes, a lot of times. Along the way I find a few people that I can learn from but I understand words more than anything.
Words so beautifully contained in books are always there. Sometimes I don't understand what they are saying and I have to mature a little and then come back and read them. This happened the first time I read "1984". I thought it was rubbish the first time I tried to get through it. The second time I picked it up I didn't stop reading it until I was done with it, until I was pissed off and crying like a mad woman in the end. That's the way it is with me...I am moved more by words and less by people.
Everyone knows who Nelson Mandela is. One day I purchased his biography "Long Walk To Freedom" at the book store. It turns out I did not know who he was at all. I was so moved by his book. I learned how ignorant I was about the struggles of South Africa. I learned how ignorant I was as a person. You could have yelled at me before I read that and told me how ignorant I was about South Africa's struggles but I would have disregarded you. I get written words though. I get books.
It's why I get so dissapointed in movies. I can't take it when a book I love so much gets turned into a movie. After a few tries of trying to watch the book turned into a movie go around I gave up. Unless I didn't fancy the book so much I won't watch the movie. It makes me pissed off when vital parts are left out and characters are cast all wrong. I get irate when the acting is not passionate enough for the words. If you have ever read "White Oleander" by Janet Fitch do not ever see the movie. It is awful and all wrong.
I use books as an escape always. They are precious to me. I don't need to brag and say that I can read a book in a day or that I read so many books each week. It doesn't matter. Perhaps reading is a different experience for each individual. I am only concerned that books provide an escape for me when I need, give me an excuse to cry when I need it, and teach me something always. It is enough for me.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Is being nice the same as being dramatic? I guess so.
I took a long drive to wal-mart with Matt today at work. We had a loooong discussion about work. We both concur that it just ain't what it used to be. Besides Emilie (and okay some of the boys are okay....) work fucking sucks. I've never had to tiptoe around anyone at work. Never at subacute was there ever drama. Not since all the kids came along anyway. One might say that me writing this blog is just as dramatic. I say fuck you. Stop reading now if you don't want to hear the shit. This is my venting place. If you don't like it then get out....real quick like.
Rod Stewart showed up on facebook yesterday and he was quickly followed by Right Said Fred. I don't care what any moron says, that shit is hilarious. It has given most of us the good laugh we all deserve after a horrible week filled with to much tension. Facebook has always been drama at work....well it was okay until all the kids. I've made mention before how it's used to let you know if you are cool or not. Unfortunately yesterday I had to go there and delete a few fellows. It's to much. People scoping my page then texting my legions of haters to tell them what I'm up to in the facebook world. I made the choice to go there and I'm okay with it. It was refreshing but not without the consequence of the deleted person texting me to see if I was really mad and to see if I would take her back. I won't.
Rod decided to invite everyone to be his friend on facebook. He shouldn't have, I told him he was a silly bitch for doing it. But he was all like "Rebecca I love everyone and besides I saw Mary being cool with you in passdown, that bloody bitch wants to be my friend". So he invited everyone. There were consequences to be dealt with. Rod had no idea.
Abi is half asleep and we are hanging out. All of a sudden I get this text:
15743090479: did you create the character on facebook roderick david stewart?
Me: Who is this?
15743090479: alena
Me: Yes. It is not a joke on anyone though so please don't get mad. Its just supposed to be funnny...I didn't want it to look like I was making fun of anyone so I invited everyone. It's just fun so don't be offended.
15743090479: i know but what part of dont bug me did you not understand when i talked to you in the med room? if im not friends with you why would i be with some character
Me: Shit. I cant keep up. I was trying to be cool about it. I am not trying to be hateful with it. I am not the evil person you are trying to make me out to be.
15743090479: i just dont want to have anything to do with you becca..in all honesty. why would i? there is so much drama i just rather keep my distance from u.
Me: Sure. All the drama at work stems from me. You know nothing about me. I wont say i have never said or done things i dont regret. But its nothing more than anyone else has done. I have always tried to do that right thing. I am not any more dramatic than anyone else there.
Me: Got it already.
15743090470: im not friends with u on FB. i would think its common sense that i wouldnt add a character that you have made up we can talk on a work/need basis. all thats need
Me: Got it already. Chill.
15743090470: well i hope you do get it...i thought you got it last time we talked but apparently not. so to put it bluntly leave me the fuck alone....unless work related.
Wow. That was some texting. I've never had the angry texting before. It was crazy. Now keep in mind the whole time Mary was texting me her lackey Jami was texting me to ask if I still loved her and if I was mad at her. Crazy bitches. Sure I'm dramatic. I'm not saying I'm not. But I put an olive branch out there and Mary shoved it up my ass. It hurt a little. I'm being easy on my bum today.
It's crazy. I was at a looow place last night. I mean really low. I'm not worried about what others think so much but to have a group of people at work that thinks I'm the most evil person ever. Well, enough said.
I chatted with Diona online. And because I know she reads this I will say thanks for the chat. However, I would just like to send a big shout out to Emilie for telling me I was just trying to be nice (I was) and that Mary can shove it. And a double thanks to Ryan for cracking my shit up about the whole thing.
Thankfully at the end of all this I have Abi to cuddle with. Oh Abi. She's never going to be a Mary or Jami or a pussycat doll or a bratz lover. I know her to well. I really wanted to listen to the Beatles with her these past couple of days but there isn't any noise aloud in Shepardsville or something. I think her and I might have to go do something fun tonight. Girls night....sans drama.
All I have to say is bring Friday on. I'm ready to book club it up.
Rod Stewart showed up on facebook yesterday and he was quickly followed by Right Said Fred. I don't care what any moron says, that shit is hilarious. It has given most of us the good laugh we all deserve after a horrible week filled with to much tension. Facebook has always been drama at work....well it was okay until all the kids. I've made mention before how it's used to let you know if you are cool or not. Unfortunately yesterday I had to go there and delete a few fellows. It's to much. People scoping my page then texting my legions of haters to tell them what I'm up to in the facebook world. I made the choice to go there and I'm okay with it. It was refreshing but not without the consequence of the deleted person texting me to see if I was really mad and to see if I would take her back. I won't.
Rod decided to invite everyone to be his friend on facebook. He shouldn't have, I told him he was a silly bitch for doing it. But he was all like "Rebecca I love everyone and besides I saw Mary being cool with you in passdown, that bloody bitch wants to be my friend". So he invited everyone. There were consequences to be dealt with. Rod had no idea.
Abi is half asleep and we are hanging out. All of a sudden I get this text:
15743090479: did you create the character on facebook roderick david stewart?
Me: Who is this?
15743090479: alena
Me: Yes. It is not a joke on anyone though so please don't get mad. Its just supposed to be funnny...I didn't want it to look like I was making fun of anyone so I invited everyone. It's just fun so don't be offended.
15743090479: i know but what part of dont bug me did you not understand when i talked to you in the med room? if im not friends with you why would i be with some character
Me: Shit. I cant keep up. I was trying to be cool about it. I am not trying to be hateful with it. I am not the evil person you are trying to make me out to be.
15743090479: i just dont want to have anything to do with you becca..in all honesty. why would i? there is so much drama i just rather keep my distance from u.
Me: Sure. All the drama at work stems from me. You know nothing about me. I wont say i have never said or done things i dont regret. But its nothing more than anyone else has done. I have always tried to do that right thing. I am not any more dramatic than anyone else there.
Me: Got it already.
15743090470: im not friends with u on FB. i would think its common sense that i wouldnt add a character that you have made up we can talk on a work/need basis. all thats need
Me: Got it already. Chill.
15743090470: well i hope you do get it...i thought you got it last time we talked but apparently not. so to put it bluntly leave me the fuck alone....unless work related.
Wow. That was some texting. I've never had the angry texting before. It was crazy. Now keep in mind the whole time Mary was texting me her lackey Jami was texting me to ask if I still loved her and if I was mad at her. Crazy bitches. Sure I'm dramatic. I'm not saying I'm not. But I put an olive branch out there and Mary shoved it up my ass. It hurt a little. I'm being easy on my bum today.
It's crazy. I was at a looow place last night. I mean really low. I'm not worried about what others think so much but to have a group of people at work that thinks I'm the most evil person ever. Well, enough said.
I chatted with Diona online. And because I know she reads this I will say thanks for the chat. However, I would just like to send a big shout out to Emilie for telling me I was just trying to be nice (I was) and that Mary can shove it. And a double thanks to Ryan for cracking my shit up about the whole thing.
Thankfully at the end of all this I have Abi to cuddle with. Oh Abi. She's never going to be a Mary or Jami or a pussycat doll or a bratz lover. I know her to well. I really wanted to listen to the Beatles with her these past couple of days but there isn't any noise aloud in Shepardsville or something. I think her and I might have to go do something fun tonight. Girls night....sans drama.
All I have to say is bring Friday on. I'm ready to book club it up.
Monday, September 1, 2008
I'm not on drugs, I swear.
The other night Mike asked me if I was on drugs. He was dead serious about it. His basis for the question was that I was acting weird. I still haven't figured out how I was acting but surely it wasn't like someone who was on drugs. My guess was that I was acting like someone who was tired and was hunkering down for a long stretch at work because the stupid kids at work keep quitting without giving notice. What, no. It must be drugs.
I discussed this with a friend. I was and am still puzzled by it. The advice I was given was to "just be yourself". And then it hit me, I don't know how because I'm not sure who that is. I've had more than one person say that they see several different sides to me. I'm not sure when that happened or how.
I would never say I'm trying to please anyone with these character changes. I think it happens because I just want to get by as easy as possible. If it makes it easier for me to deal with other people by adapting myself a little then that's what I do. Mike included.
But the more I think about it the more phony it sounds; the more unfair to myself it sounds. Is it possible to just be me with everyone? Truthfully that would probably piss some people off. I think I'm ready to start though. This whole gig of figuring out what the people in my life want and need where my personality is concerned and then trying to give it to them...it's done. I'm a bit to tired. I don't think it would be lying to say that the whole act has created some drama along the way.
I'm not sure how or when but I'll figure out who I am soon enough.
I discussed this with a friend. I was and am still puzzled by it. The advice I was given was to "just be yourself". And then it hit me, I don't know how because I'm not sure who that is. I've had more than one person say that they see several different sides to me. I'm not sure when that happened or how.
I would never say I'm trying to please anyone with these character changes. I think it happens because I just want to get by as easy as possible. If it makes it easier for me to deal with other people by adapting myself a little then that's what I do. Mike included.
But the more I think about it the more phony it sounds; the more unfair to myself it sounds. Is it possible to just be me with everyone? Truthfully that would probably piss some people off. I think I'm ready to start though. This whole gig of figuring out what the people in my life want and need where my personality is concerned and then trying to give it to them...it's done. I'm a bit to tired. I don't think it would be lying to say that the whole act has created some drama along the way.
I'm not sure how or when but I'll figure out who I am soon enough.
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