Why yes, I would like some vodka with my OJ.

Shit. All I really want to do is curl up in fetal position in the corner and cry. I kind of want to be dramatic about it as well. I picture myself with eyes so swollen that I look like I have been beaten up and tears that won’t stop saying over and over again “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” Are you feeling sorry for me yet? Don’t be. I refuse to pull any of that dramatic shit.

It has been one hell of a week. I’ve survived the first week and if you even knew the half of it you would be handing my sorry ass a Grammy right now for the best performance of my life. And because I haven’t broke down completely with all the bullshit going on I’m going to get all high and mighty and coach you how to get through this if ever it should happen to you. Ready, set, go!

This is Rebecca’s sure fire way to survive a separation.

Step 1: Let Go. This is important. You can’t move on without doing this. Don’t try to tell me you love him and you know he will get around to loving you. Let go. This makes for a more civil separation if there is such a thing.

Step 2: Separate living spaces ASAP. Don’t be staying in the same house like idiots. With separation comes bitterness. By the time you get to this point you will have spent so much time beating each other up so surely you can both execute this move without trying to hold on to much.

Step 3: Purchase a big fucking bottle of vodka. Go ahead and make it Smirnoff. You deserve it. Don’t drink it now. You are still okay. However, you are going to need that shit the first night your kid stays the night with the ex. If you don’t have a kid then by all means get to drinking.

Step 4: This is the step where you realize you need to stop calling the ex. You won’t realize that though until he stops answering your calls and texts. A friend after separation probably isn’t going to be a big hit at first.

Step 5: Convince your family that this what you need by turning into some cleaning, smiling, singing control freak. They will think you are getting back to good. You will know it’s because if you stop moving for one second you will loose it and may never find composure again.

Step 6: When you exhaust yourself from cleaning and everything is spinning and you feel like you are going to faint because you haven’t been sleeping then go to a dark room, lay down in the bed and tell yourself that you are not going to fall apart over and over and over again. When everything stops spinning and you have blinked back any tears then you may get up and continue putting on that good show.

Step 7: Put down the god damned cell phone! Didn’t we already cover this? You will not call people. You will get used to being alone. Understand that there are people who care for you but if you are going to get past this and move on it will need to be alone.

Step 8: Do try to remember to eat something every once in awhile. You need to take care of yourself.

Step 9: Do not dwell on everything you are loosing. Think about what you want to gain.

Step 10: Write a about it. You’ve got to get it out somehow :)