All I need is a bottle of nyquil, some mexican tequila and a club upside the head.

It's been a funny week. And by funny I don't mean hilarious, it's been almost sad in a way. I feel like I can't quiet get a handle on my emotions and that's new to me. I've always been emotional but I learned to hide everything well. Now they are just there...and I'm not sure what to do with them or how to act.

I had some tough conversations this week with Matt. It was so crazy just to sit and talk and that's something I usually reserve for Emilie. It just came out though....like emotional vomit and there was no controlling it, no turning back once I started talking. Once you open up like that though....there is no going back and that is scary to me.

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where the decisions I make now are going to have a huge impact on my future. The funny thing is that I can't quiet narrow down what decisions I'm supposed to be making. I'm not sure they are all that visible at all.

Even writing about it is almost paralyzing in a way. I got sick this week. I never get sick. Some would blame it on a virus but I think it's because my brain won't stop working, not even enough to get decent sleep. I wish my body would shut down, that I could sleep more than a few hours at time. Mostly I would welcome that so I could stop thinking.

All this thinking isn't even productive. In the past I would have gotten it out by writing and it would have been good writing and it would have made me feel better. I always write a lot but it's just shit now. And when writing didn't work I could bury myself in books but I can't focus on them. They all seem to true now.

I just don't know. Oh yeah. To top all this off I have a job interview coming up next week. It scares the shit out of me. I don't know if I can leave my job now. I know I should. I just don't know if I can. I'm a coward. I know that.

This is Rebecca, signing off for now. If you want to find me look for the chick rocking herself in the corner and slobbering over indecision.