If that's the case, I would rather be home reading.

I've mentioned sex here before, pre-separation. Here we go again. This time I am not so enthused about the topic.

I recently started dating. And by dating I mean one date. Though it has only been one date I have spent time talking to other guys. I just got to a point where I figured, hey, why not?

Most days I'm not sure what I want. Dating is a scary prospect on any given day but even more so when you have a child. It's almost like I'm sneaking out sometimes even though I'm only attempting this when Abi is with her dad. I still feel sneaky though.

My first date was fine. It was laid back, everything I thought it would be. I was happy that my date for the night was nervous like me. It made me feel comfortable.

I love sex. I think about it probably more than any girl I know. When it comes down to it you can bet that I am pretty much always ready to go. That doesn't mean I will though. While I have considered a "friends with benefits" relationship I can't actually go through with it. I don't need a relationship with sex but there does need to be some substance there.

What do men not understand about women? It's not hard really. For example, I am more likely to engage in sexual intercourse with a male if he wants to know what's on my mind....what I think and how I feel. If the only conversation leading up to sex....is about sex then it probably won't happen. And I want sex more than any girl I know. All the time. At least fake that you are interested in knowing what I think about.

Men assume that women want to tie them down in a relationship as soon as possible. The fact that I would become irritable very quickly about a guy's need to talk only about sex or the possibility of sex with me doesn't mean I want a relationship before we have sex. I don't even want a relationship. I don't want anything close to it right now. It doesn't mean I don' want to talk first though.

I wonder......I know that physical attraction plays a strong role for both males and females. It seems to me though that it only gets you to a starting point. I have to know what someone is thinking. And if they don't think, or think only about sex then that is a major turn off. To me, actions and thoughts make up most of my attraction to another person. I need someone who thinks.

It should be sexy to a possible date that I cry after reading 1984 every damn time....that Nelson Mandela and Lee Iacocca rock my world....that I want to save children....that I worry about not doing enough for the enviroment...that I can change my own break pads and rotors...that I can grow and can my own food......when a guy finds that stuff more sexy then my double D cups....hey, I will be ready to go.

Calm down....deep breaths...and get yourself dressed instead...of running around and pulling your threads and breaking yourself up....

I know what it feels like to be hated.
To know that no matter how hard I tried I would always be disgusting to you.
And I would never be her….
Because when you look at her you see brilliance and beauty.
When you look at me you see dumb and ugly.
And did you think I might not catch on to the view,
When you spent so much time making me believe I would never compare to her?

And I don’t mean to sound bitter so much.
But I get tired of saying I’m sorry because I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.
I wouldn’t resume things so I know it shouldn’t matter so much.
But I know what it’s like to be hated now…
And it’s a little harder to forget that than anything else.

I think though…that if for a short time I stop worrying about how my feelings will make everyone else feel….
Than I can sort through it all.
When so many years are spent forgetting who you are and what you believe,
It’s harder to find an original thought or a firm opinion.
I have to remind myself, that I’m aloud to think anything I want now.
And the things I think and feel aren’t so stupid.
They might matter to someone….somewhere….someday.

But it’s harder to remember that once you know what it’s like to be hated.

All I need is a strong cup of hot tea, a good book and my darling child running beneath my feet.

Wow. It's amazing how a mind can change so fast. The last time I wrote "All I need..." in the title of a blog I think there might have possibly said something about nyquil, mexican tequila and a knock upside the head. Eh, I still might need that every once in awhile but not lately.

The other night I sat down at the kitchen table with my mom, my grandmother and Abi. We had decided to make hot tea and had a real tea party with Abi. Afterwards, I sat there, drinking more tea and enjoying a good book. I actually took a picture of my book and huge cup of tea and sent it to a couple of people. Emilie texted me back telling me it was a beautiful sight. I know, I know.

My family, they aren't horrible. Living with them since the flood and now the separation has been difficult but mostly because I'm so independent. I don't want to make it habit, living with them though I know my mom would keep me there forever if she could. We have learned to enjoy each others company and that has taken many, many years to do. I credit it to her being clean and sober for a couple years now.

Abi is starting to freak me out. She is growing up and I don't want to admit it, I don't want to believe it. Yesterday she asked me if she could get a pedicure. What? My first instinct was to shout no and curl up in a ball and cry over her growing up to fast but I didn't. Mostly because I was driving at the time. It gave me time to think though and I eventually told her I would take her to get one soon.

I have always cherished the fact that Abi is a tomboy. Some would say that I have fostered that in her but the girl has her own mind. If she wanted to run around in a tutu all day while listening to Hannah Montanna I wouldn't be able to change her. She doesn't though...thank goodness. I can only hope that she will still want to catch frogs even with her toenails painted and polished all nice.

I want her to be who she is, whoever she wants to be. I just don't want her to do anything because everyone else is. I want her to be an individual....a good individual. I have a dislike for girls. They spend so much time being dramatic and gossiping and tearing each other down. I want Abi to be the girl that befriends the loner, the girl that sticks up for the kid being made fun even though all her friends joined in on all the bullying, I want her to knee or punch the first boy that makes an unwanted advance and walk away smiling. It's not so much to want that for her. Hopefully a pedicure doesn't tear down what I have been building for four years.

Until then I just need a few good books and a strong cup of tea to get through all her growing up. As long as she still wakes up making faces at me and laughing it will be okay. As long as every once in awhile I still wake up covered in marker because she drew on me after I feel asleep it will be okay. As long as she still listens to Wilco and The Beatles with me we will be just fine. As long as she still lays on my arm while falling asleep the world will keep spinning. As long as we can dance wildly while singing Lauri Berkner songs at the top of our longs we will be okay. As long as she still makes faces in the rearview mirror to get my attention in the car we will be fine.

I'm not so stupid. I know how lucky I am to have her. She is a miracle because somehow I was chosen to be her mom. I don't let myself forget that.

Testing, testing, 1....2....3...LAUGH!

Man, what is up with people? I think my sense of humor is okay, Emilie laughs at me anyway. John and Matt laugh most of the time. People laughing these days is a hard thing to come by. I'm starting to think that there aren't many people that want to laugh.

Where is this coming from? Well, I have to tell you....it is work related. At work, social networking sites such as myspace and facebook are used often. Perhaps it's the times, I don't mind so much though. There are people in my company that I just don't get to see that often and the sites let us connect...joke around a lot.

I've asked it before though and I'll ask it again....what is up with those addictions staff? Nothing I post or say comes across funny to those guys. I'm starting to think that maybe Jesus is to blame. Sorry Jesus.

More than once I've posted something on one of their walls that was obviously hilarious to find it deleted soon after. And let me say this...they did not embrace Rod Stewart at all. Who didn' think that shit was funny?

Recently one of the staff wrote a blog praising the Twilight movie and saying more specifically that Edwards character was the best actor. I disagree, totally. You can look back a blog and see that. But I think different opinions are a grand thing so I posted a comment jokingly saying how I disagree and I almost got beat up by angry 12 year olds while lauging my ass off during the entire movie. She then posted a short reply saying she disagreed totally. Where is the fun?

If Emilie would have loved that movie and posted a love blog about it I would have done the same thing. You know what though? She would have went with it. She would have argued her different opinion with me just for the sake of arguing and it would have been good times for the both of us.

Those addictions staff. They just don't know a good time. While I respect how Christianity has led them to a sober life and the fact that it helps them teach their clients that a sober life is better I just don't get why more fun can't be involved.

Of course I am sure if they knew the extent of my lifestyle they wouldn't even be able to look me in the eye. I think it's about celebrating differences....fostering a different point of view. How boring would it be if we all lived the same way?

When I was younger I used to get so pissed off that people didn't think and feel the way I did. I was stubborn. I still am. The difference now though is I love exploring different people. I love discussing different ideas. I know that my way might not be the best way and I know that you have to have fun while you can.

About that pesky religion....we all know I'm agnostic. It doesn't mean I don't believe...just that I can't settle on one belief as the right one. I believe in something higher out there. I just think that higher power probably has a sense of humor. I also believe that it's up to us to learn what we can while we can and what better way to learn than by learning from the variety of people around you.

Let's give them something to blog about.......

I am so ashamed to say it; Emilie and I went to see Twilight. Let me take you on a journey through this horrible movie experience.

I will admit that I was a bit curious to see the movie. I read everything and because of that read all of the Twilight series. I didn't at first. I said I wasn't going to. I did though and I can't turn back. Unlike most of my books I don't think they are something I will pick up again. I read them at a time when there was a lot going on in my life and I just needed something mindless to read. Kind of like when people have bad days and watch stupid girly movies. Which, I am sure is what must have happened when Emilie watched "Bring It On"....yes, she did watch it!

Emilie and arrived at the movies a bit late so we had to see a different showing. After Emilie made me climb over people to get to the best seats we sat there chatting. I don't remember about what. Suddenly a girl turns around to face us and exclaims "Oh my God! Do you guys like Twilight? Oh my God! I am going to see it like three times today I love it so much!". Not kidding folks. I wanted to laugh and tried to think back to a time when I was young and was so excited about something so cheesy. The only movies I watched like crazy were "Matrix" and The Doors movies with Val Kilmer. I still don't believe them to be cheesy. I stand by my many viewings of them to this day.

The previews roll and as usual I see nothing that I think would be worth coming back to see. I've been in a bit of a movie slump. I just can't get into them. Why was I here to watch Twilight again? I'm going to blame it on Emilie.

I could describe the whole movie but I won't. Let me just tell you though, I had to supress the urge to laugh out loud at parts that weren't supposed to be funny. The only thing that got me through was knowing that I would have been mobbed by several thirteen year olds if I ruined this movie for them by laughing at it the whole time. Instead I just kept hitting Emilie in the leg when I wanted to laugh. Sorry for the bruises Em.

Edward was all wrong. All wrong. He was to serious. The acting was horrible. It made me laugh. I get that in the book he was intense at times but I don't think he cracked a smile in the whole movie. He was not how I pictured him at all.

Bella was how I pictured her. The problem I had was not with her or the acting, but just her relationship with Edward in the movie. It happened so fast. In the book you knew she was thinking about him, trying to decide how she felt and what to do. In the movie you didn't see that. It just happened so fast.

I think some of the roles were filled perfectly.....Esme, Charlie, Alice, Billy Black and even Emmet. These characters actually made me laugh at appropriate times. I was at ease with the movie at those points.

Jasper freaked me out. What the fuck was going on with that hair? He was to intense, much like Edward. He had perhaps one line in the movie. Perhaps he was so uptight because in the book his character feels everything....and is able to change the mood in a room. The movie didn't get that across. It was weak.

I do not know what was up with Rosalie. In the movie she had the attitude she was supposed to have but I didn't picture her character to look like she did in the movie. I won't even go into Jacob. I can't.

There were things that made me happy. The Cullen's house was exactly as I pictured it. The scene where Bella get's the shit beat out of her by James was exactly how I pictured it. But they were not enough to make me a fan of the movies. I know though, that Emilie and I will be there again when the next one comes out. For that, we are idiots.

I don't understand movies these days. I have a strict rule that if I love the book I never see the movie. Always they dissapoint me. I haven't seen a decent movie since Lord of The Rings. Perhaps, my standards are to high.

I think, I shall stick with books. They are always more exciting.

All I need is a bottle of nyquil, some mexican tequila and a club upside the head.

It's been a funny week. And by funny I don't mean hilarious, it's been almost sad in a way. I feel like I can't quiet get a handle on my emotions and that's new to me. I've always been emotional but I learned to hide everything well. Now they are just there...and I'm not sure what to do with them or how to act.

I had some tough conversations this week with Matt. It was so crazy just to sit and talk and that's something I usually reserve for Emilie. It just came out though....like emotional vomit and there was no controlling it, no turning back once I started talking. Once you open up like that though....there is no going back and that is scary to me.

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where the decisions I make now are going to have a huge impact on my future. The funny thing is that I can't quiet narrow down what decisions I'm supposed to be making. I'm not sure they are all that visible at all.

Even writing about it is almost paralyzing in a way. I got sick this week. I never get sick. Some would blame it on a virus but I think it's because my brain won't stop working, not even enough to get decent sleep. I wish my body would shut down, that I could sleep more than a few hours at time. Mostly I would welcome that so I could stop thinking.

All this thinking isn't even productive. In the past I would have gotten it out by writing and it would have been good writing and it would have made me feel better. I always write a lot but it's just shit now. And when writing didn't work I could bury myself in books but I can't focus on them. They all seem to true now.

I just don't know. Oh yeah. To top all this off I have a job interview coming up next week. It scares the shit out of me. I don't know if I can leave my job now. I know I should. I just don't know if I can. I'm a coward. I know that.

This is Rebecca, signing off for now. If you want to find me look for the chick rocking herself in the corner and slobbering over indecision.

Hello, tell me you know. You figured me out...something gave it away.

I've been working to much. I tried to convince myself that my next check will make it all worth it but we all know it will be a big dissapointment. I am in fact, at work right now. I can quiet remember if I am still at work or if I left and arrived at work again. I'm that far gone. You can see that besides grocery shopping for work, I have not been that productive. Emilie, please forgive me.

Today is Andrea's funeral. I'm still in shock and pretty numb about her death. She was so young, her kids were young and it was so very unexpected. In a way, I refuse to believe that she has actually died so I can't ever imagine how her family feels, her parents, her children....her fiance. If, at work, her loss has hit us hard it must be even harder for her family.

I always try to be good people (that was for you Emilie) but I have to take some time here and wonder how good of a person I really am. I don't know, I really don't know. I get that I am probably my biggest critic and I'm not sure where to draw the line. You should want to be a better person but you probably shouldn't beat yourself up to much.

I feel like people can spend so much time disliking each other, but for what? I'm guilty of it. Ask me about those kids at work. But I have to wonder, how does fostering a dislike for anyone do anything productive for anyone? Maybe hate starts with a negative thought. Sure ignorance plays it's part but isn't being so negative in the first place ignorant?

In the end, what good does it all do? While I don't want to be that fake smiling person that loves everyone I don't want to be so negative anymore either. And I get that some would say I could be more negative where Mike is concerned, that I'm to nice as it is but it just doesn't feel that way.

It's been a crazy year. That damn flood started it all. Joking.....hmmm not really. I don't know. I'm going to make the best of it. I had a long conversation with Matt today about how I'm not sure I want to be single but I don't see myself ever getting married again. I like the freedom I have right now to focus on myself and figure out who I am. I like knowing that I can hang out with my guy friends without someone getting jealous. Single sounds good.