All I need is a strong cup of hot tea, a good book and my darling child running beneath my feet.

Wow. It's amazing how a mind can change so fast. The last time I wrote "All I need..." in the title of a blog I think there might have possibly said something about nyquil, mexican tequila and a knock upside the head. Eh, I still might need that every once in awhile but not lately.

The other night I sat down at the kitchen table with my mom, my grandmother and Abi. We had decided to make hot tea and had a real tea party with Abi. Afterwards, I sat there, drinking more tea and enjoying a good book. I actually took a picture of my book and huge cup of tea and sent it to a couple of people. Emilie texted me back telling me it was a beautiful sight. I know, I know.

My family, they aren't horrible. Living with them since the flood and now the separation has been difficult but mostly because I'm so independent. I don't want to make it habit, living with them though I know my mom would keep me there forever if she could. We have learned to enjoy each others company and that has taken many, many years to do. I credit it to her being clean and sober for a couple years now.

Abi is starting to freak me out. She is growing up and I don't want to admit it, I don't want to believe it. Yesterday she asked me if she could get a pedicure. What? My first instinct was to shout no and curl up in a ball and cry over her growing up to fast but I didn't. Mostly because I was driving at the time. It gave me time to think though and I eventually told her I would take her to get one soon.

I have always cherished the fact that Abi is a tomboy. Some would say that I have fostered that in her but the girl has her own mind. If she wanted to run around in a tutu all day while listening to Hannah Montanna I wouldn't be able to change her. She doesn't though...thank goodness. I can only hope that she will still want to catch frogs even with her toenails painted and polished all nice.

I want her to be who she is, whoever she wants to be. I just don't want her to do anything because everyone else is. I want her to be an individual....a good individual. I have a dislike for girls. They spend so much time being dramatic and gossiping and tearing each other down. I want Abi to be the girl that befriends the loner, the girl that sticks up for the kid being made fun even though all her friends joined in on all the bullying, I want her to knee or punch the first boy that makes an unwanted advance and walk away smiling. It's not so much to want that for her. Hopefully a pedicure doesn't tear down what I have been building for four years.

Until then I just need a few good books and a strong cup of tea to get through all her growing up. As long as she still wakes up making faces at me and laughing it will be okay. As long as every once in awhile I still wake up covered in marker because she drew on me after I feel asleep it will be okay. As long as she still listens to Wilco and The Beatles with me we will be just fine. As long as she still lays on my arm while falling asleep the world will keep spinning. As long as we can dance wildly while singing Lauri Berkner songs at the top of our longs we will be okay. As long as she still makes faces in the rearview mirror to get my attention in the car we will be fine.

I'm not so stupid. I know how lucky I am to have her. She is a miracle because somehow I was chosen to be her mom. I don't let myself forget that.

Testing, testing, 1....2....3...LAUGH!

Man, what is up with people? I think my sense of humor is okay, Emilie laughs at me anyway. John and Matt laugh most of the time. People laughing these days is a hard thing to come by. I'm starting to think that there aren't many people that want to laugh.

Where is this coming from? Well, I have to tell you....it is work related. At work, social networking sites such as myspace and facebook are used often. Perhaps it's the times, I don't mind so much though. There are people in my company that I just don't get to see that often and the sites let us connect...joke around a lot.

I've asked it before though and I'll ask it again....what is up with those addictions staff? Nothing I post or say comes across funny to those guys. I'm starting to think that maybe Jesus is to blame. Sorry Jesus.

More than once I've posted something on one of their walls that was obviously hilarious to find it deleted soon after. And let me say this...they did not embrace Rod Stewart at all. Who didn' think that shit was funny?

Recently one of the staff wrote a blog praising the Twilight movie and saying more specifically that Edwards character was the best actor. I disagree, totally. You can look back a blog and see that. But I think different opinions are a grand thing so I posted a comment jokingly saying how I disagree and I almost got beat up by angry 12 year olds while lauging my ass off during the entire movie. She then posted a short reply saying she disagreed totally. Where is the fun?

If Emilie would have loved that movie and posted a love blog about it I would have done the same thing. You know what though? She would have went with it. She would have argued her different opinion with me just for the sake of arguing and it would have been good times for the both of us.

Those addictions staff. They just don't know a good time. While I respect how Christianity has led them to a sober life and the fact that it helps them teach their clients that a sober life is better I just don't get why more fun can't be involved.

Of course I am sure if they knew the extent of my lifestyle they wouldn't even be able to look me in the eye. I think it's about celebrating differences....fostering a different point of view. How boring would it be if we all lived the same way?

When I was younger I used to get so pissed off that people didn't think and feel the way I did. I was stubborn. I still am. The difference now though is I love exploring different people. I love discussing different ideas. I know that my way might not be the best way and I know that you have to have fun while you can.

About that pesky religion....we all know I'm agnostic. It doesn't mean I don't believe...just that I can't settle on one belief as the right one. I believe in something higher out there. I just think that higher power probably has a sense of humor. I also believe that it's up to us to learn what we can while we can and what better way to learn than by learning from the variety of people around you.

Let's give them something to blog about.......

I am so ashamed to say it; Emilie and I went to see Twilight. Let me take you on a journey through this horrible movie experience.

I will admit that I was a bit curious to see the movie. I read everything and because of that read all of the Twilight series. I didn't at first. I said I wasn't going to. I did though and I can't turn back. Unlike most of my books I don't think they are something I will pick up again. I read them at a time when there was a lot going on in my life and I just needed something mindless to read. Kind of like when people have bad days and watch stupid girly movies. Which, I am sure is what must have happened when Emilie watched "Bring It On"....yes, she did watch it!

Emilie and arrived at the movies a bit late so we had to see a different showing. After Emilie made me climb over people to get to the best seats we sat there chatting. I don't remember about what. Suddenly a girl turns around to face us and exclaims "Oh my God! Do you guys like Twilight? Oh my God! I am going to see it like three times today I love it so much!". Not kidding folks. I wanted to laugh and tried to think back to a time when I was young and was so excited about something so cheesy. The only movies I watched like crazy were "Matrix" and The Doors movies with Val Kilmer. I still don't believe them to be cheesy. I stand by my many viewings of them to this day.

The previews roll and as usual I see nothing that I think would be worth coming back to see. I've been in a bit of a movie slump. I just can't get into them. Why was I here to watch Twilight again? I'm going to blame it on Emilie.

I could describe the whole movie but I won't. Let me just tell you though, I had to supress the urge to laugh out loud at parts that weren't supposed to be funny. The only thing that got me through was knowing that I would have been mobbed by several thirteen year olds if I ruined this movie for them by laughing at it the whole time. Instead I just kept hitting Emilie in the leg when I wanted to laugh. Sorry for the bruises Em.

Edward was all wrong. All wrong. He was to serious. The acting was horrible. It made me laugh. I get that in the book he was intense at times but I don't think he cracked a smile in the whole movie. He was not how I pictured him at all.

Bella was how I pictured her. The problem I had was not with her or the acting, but just her relationship with Edward in the movie. It happened so fast. In the book you knew she was thinking about him, trying to decide how she felt and what to do. In the movie you didn't see that. It just happened so fast.

I think some of the roles were filled perfectly.....Esme, Charlie, Alice, Billy Black and even Emmet. These characters actually made me laugh at appropriate times. I was at ease with the movie at those points.

Jasper freaked me out. What the fuck was going on with that hair? He was to intense, much like Edward. He had perhaps one line in the movie. Perhaps he was so uptight because in the book his character feels everything....and is able to change the mood in a room. The movie didn't get that across. It was weak.

I do not know what was up with Rosalie. In the movie she had the attitude she was supposed to have but I didn't picture her character to look like she did in the movie. I won't even go into Jacob. I can't.

There were things that made me happy. The Cullen's house was exactly as I pictured it. The scene where Bella get's the shit beat out of her by James was exactly how I pictured it. But they were not enough to make me a fan of the movies. I know though, that Emilie and I will be there again when the next one comes out. For that, we are idiots.

I don't understand movies these days. I have a strict rule that if I love the book I never see the movie. Always they dissapoint me. I haven't seen a decent movie since Lord of The Rings. Perhaps, my standards are to high.

I think, I shall stick with books. They are always more exciting.

All I need is a bottle of nyquil, some mexican tequila and a club upside the head.

It's been a funny week. And by funny I don't mean hilarious, it's been almost sad in a way. I feel like I can't quiet get a handle on my emotions and that's new to me. I've always been emotional but I learned to hide everything well. Now they are just there...and I'm not sure what to do with them or how to act.

I had some tough conversations this week with Matt. It was so crazy just to sit and talk and that's something I usually reserve for Emilie. It just came out though....like emotional vomit and there was no controlling it, no turning back once I started talking. Once you open up like that though....there is no going back and that is scary to me.

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where the decisions I make now are going to have a huge impact on my future. The funny thing is that I can't quiet narrow down what decisions I'm supposed to be making. I'm not sure they are all that visible at all.

Even writing about it is almost paralyzing in a way. I got sick this week. I never get sick. Some would blame it on a virus but I think it's because my brain won't stop working, not even enough to get decent sleep. I wish my body would shut down, that I could sleep more than a few hours at time. Mostly I would welcome that so I could stop thinking.

All this thinking isn't even productive. In the past I would have gotten it out by writing and it would have been good writing and it would have made me feel better. I always write a lot but it's just shit now. And when writing didn't work I could bury myself in books but I can't focus on them. They all seem to true now.

I just don't know. Oh yeah. To top all this off I have a job interview coming up next week. It scares the shit out of me. I don't know if I can leave my job now. I know I should. I just don't know if I can. I'm a coward. I know that.

This is Rebecca, signing off for now. If you want to find me look for the chick rocking herself in the corner and slobbering over indecision.

Hello, tell me you know. You figured me out...something gave it away.

I've been working to much. I tried to convince myself that my next check will make it all worth it but we all know it will be a big dissapointment. I am in fact, at work right now. I can quiet remember if I am still at work or if I left and arrived at work again. I'm that far gone. You can see that besides grocery shopping for work, I have not been that productive. Emilie, please forgive me.

Today is Andrea's funeral. I'm still in shock and pretty numb about her death. She was so young, her kids were young and it was so very unexpected. In a way, I refuse to believe that she has actually died so I can't ever imagine how her family feels, her parents, her children....her fiance. If, at work, her loss has hit us hard it must be even harder for her family.

I always try to be good people (that was for you Emilie) but I have to take some time here and wonder how good of a person I really am. I don't know, I really don't know. I get that I am probably my biggest critic and I'm not sure where to draw the line. You should want to be a better person but you probably shouldn't beat yourself up to much.

I feel like people can spend so much time disliking each other, but for what? I'm guilty of it. Ask me about those kids at work. But I have to wonder, how does fostering a dislike for anyone do anything productive for anyone? Maybe hate starts with a negative thought. Sure ignorance plays it's part but isn't being so negative in the first place ignorant?

In the end, what good does it all do? While I don't want to be that fake smiling person that loves everyone I don't want to be so negative anymore either. And I get that some would say I could be more negative where Mike is concerned, that I'm to nice as it is but it just doesn't feel that way.

It's been a crazy year. That damn flood started it all. Joking.....hmmm not really. I don't know. I'm going to make the best of it. I had a long conversation with Matt today about how I'm not sure I want to be single but I don't see myself ever getting married again. I like the freedom I have right now to focus on myself and figure out who I am. I like knowing that I can hang out with my guy friends without someone getting jealous. Single sounds good.

I'm good people.

Wow, it has been awhile. I've neglected this blog because I was tired of writing about crap, aka my separation and work crap. Did I mention crap?

I'm going to do something unheard of for me. I'm going to write about positive things. This of course being inspired by Emilie and her blogging adventures. It's funny that I would say that because Emilie and I only write this stuff for each other though my page tells me other people have been looking. Don't do it people. I'm telling you now this is the kind of shit only Emilie can understand.

I was thinking a lot about work last night. I have had a good couple of work days mostly brought on by the fact that I got to work with Emilie on Monday. My good mood has carried from there. Here is what I thought about......I love working with the mentally ill. I realize it isn't a job I should focus on forever and that isn't my intention but man I love those crazy clients. Sometimes.

Beyond that there are a select few coworkers that I am crazy about as well. You build that connection after awhile and though it will pain you to hear it I must say it reminds me of Royal Fork in that aspect.

Let's make a top ten list! Here are my top ten favorite memories of Hamilton Center thus far. Pay no attention to the order. It ain't a thing.

1. Getting punched in the face by my favorite client of all times. Don't let his small size fool you people. When the boy isn't well mentally he packs a mean punch. I had the blackened face to prove it.

2. The night of the Terre Haute tornadoes at Ft. Harrison. I was stuck in a small laundry room with ten mentally ill guys all night. I never saw any tornadoes but had to stay hunkered down witht he clients all the same. After a few hours of no smoking they got pissed. Thanks to that night my vocab of bad words tripled. I've got the foul language to prove it. I've never been called a god damn whore so many times. Good times, good times.

3. Playing Uno with Matt and falling out of my chair for no reason at all. It's what I do. I walk, I fall. I sit, I fall. I wake up in the morning and I fall down the stairs. I've got the bruises to prove it.

4. Hamilton Center Softball. We never won but we always drank a lot. It was even better after Emilie joined. One game Matt, Sarah and I made a pact not to drink. That pact lasted all of the work day. We got to the park then quickly turned around and found a liquor store. I've got the beer belly to prove it.

5. Book club....all two times. Book club with John's whiskey and Emilie's coping skills was the best. As usual Emilie and I were the only one's to talk about the book. I've got the knowledge to prove it.

6. Handing out presents to the clients with Cody one Christmas eve only to discover a client bought Cody and I gifts as well. I watched Cody open his gift and saw that he received a beer stein with two pairs of silk boxers stuffed in it. I will never forget it, ever. Cody has the boxers to prove it.

7. One birthday a client came back from free time toting a bag from CVS. He then told me he had a birthday present for me. I tried to explain to him for what might have been the 20th time I couldn't take gifts from him. He gave me my gift anyway. Two sticks of deoderant. I've got the smell good armpits to prove it.

8. Cowering in the kitchen with Emilie as a very irate client threw plates at us. This is the same client who pretends to kill me on a daily basis. Subacute is short about five plates to prove it.

9. Lunch time rewind. Enough said. I have a vast knowledge of cheesy 90's lyrics to prove it.

10. Listening to the radio while watching Matt play mobsters yet again only to find that we are both dancing together. He was executing a very fine robot while I was raising the roof. We both agreed never to speak of it ever again.

It's not really a top ten list. Just the first ten that came to my head. I need to do something now, like medicate the mentally ill while picturing Emilie naked. What? Whoa....I didn't just think that. I'm good people after all.

Maybe the sun will shine today.....

Oh man. I have not been in the right state of mind to write for a little bit. I’m not sure I am now. I have so much going on in my head and I feel like it might be a good idea to get it out.

Mike and I are going on two weeks of separation. The separation thus far has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. It would be like that under normal circumstances but as usual we manage to complicate it as much as possible. I suppose, I am more dramatic than I like to think. However, with each passing day we come closer to knowing where we want to be with this separation; which as apart.

We don’t function well together. The bitterness of trying to function well together is such that we make each other miserable and hurt each other in the worst imaginable ways. It just won’t work. I don’t know if it ever will again. I don’t think we are ready to fill out divorce papers but we definitely need time and space. If we can manage friendship at this point then…well….good for us. It is all I have the energy for.

It is hard with a child involved. I have to admit that if we based our choices on what is totally right for her then we would just tolerate each other and stay together. One can only hope that she is as resilient as we make her out to be. One can only hope. Time and future therapy bills will tell us in due time.

So now I have had almost two weeks to adjust to this separation. And it has taken that much time. I have done not as well as I could have but better than I would have thought. Perhaps I am more resilient than I thought. Perhaps we all are.

Though Mike and I are free of each other I have no desire to date anyone at all. I want to focus on myself and what I need and want and I don’t want to be dependent on a male to provide happiness for me. I want to find it on my own first. I don’t want to feel like I have to change for anyone or fear of what someone thinks of me. I’m just too tired to do that. Is that selfish? I hope so. I feel like being selfish. I hope Mike feels the same. That is what a separation is about…after Abi that is. She should always come first.

I don’t want much for myself. Just to know that I have attempted to do everything I ever wanted to do. I have plans, oh yes, I do.

What is my heart’s desire? Well, it is quiet simple. I picture myself in a house filled with books. I love books and I can’t live without them. They have to be in every room. I want a house bursting with books. I want the pantry filled with things that I grew and canned with my own hands. A cookie jar filled with cookies Abi and I made our selves.

In the yard should be lots of flower that Abi and I worked together to plant. A clothesline with fresh laundered linens hanging to dry. Did I mention chickens? Oh yes, there should be chickens that we collect eggs from. Chickens that I can feed everyday.

I want home cooked meals three times a day. I want friends and family to walk in on a regular basis and never have to knock. Is this vision to small or too big? I am not sure. I am not sure why it was not attainable before.

The more I look at my marriage the more I realize that it was not the fault of one (man do I want to say Mike here) but of both. Could we have tried harder? I’m sure of it. However, I’m not sure it would have yielded a different result in the end. We were not that sure when we got married. We were still two kids just having fun. Just doing what was expected.

The best thing I hope to get from all this is to be friends again. To be there for each other and to be the best parents we can for Abi. Traditional separations and divorces dictate that it should be messier. I don’t think so though. I think if we keep our heads on straight we can do this right and in the least hurtful way, I hope.

Lastly, I have come up with a new business adventure. This is not new for me. Lauri and I used to sit around dreaming up these things….we just never implemented them at all. And there were many, many, and many of them.

For some reason I like to clean other people’s houses. It’s weird and stupid because I don’t like to clean mine all that much at times. So I can’t explain it. When my great grandmother was dying I used to go clean my grandmothers clients houses all the time for her. She spent years cleaning houses for people and I loved tagging along. It is something I thought of doing on the side. Then, I totally shocked myself by coming up with an original spin for this business. I should go green with it and offer people a cleaning service with environmentally friendly cleaning products. The environment wins and it will be safer for children, pets and adults living in the house. Wow, I amaze myself. Not to mention that the products will be less inexpensive.

Mike also mentioned that I could help interested clients set up recycling areas. I could do that! Mike and I fell out of recycling but we were hard core over it for the longest time. I even went as far as refusing to buy baby food in the plastic containers because I could not recycle them.

So I lined up two work friends at reduced rates to try this out. I want to make sure that my products work, the clients are satisfied with them and I’m not going to kill myself before I commit to this hardcore. However, I am pretty damn excited about this. Rachel Carson would be too!

I might need a backup job if I keep pissing my boss off (Thanks a lot Emilie!). I think I am going to start making small goals for myself. A plan of action. I am only functioning well about every other day. That is no way to live. I think I can do better. And…I would like nothing better than to piss my mom off by showing her that Mike and I are doing the right thing by separating. I’m moving on with my bad self. Woohoo!