I've been working to much. I tried to convince myself that my next check will make it all worth it but we all know it will be a big dissapointment. I am in fact, at work right now. I can quiet remember if I am still at work or if I left and arrived at work again. I'm that far gone. You can see that besides grocery shopping for work, I have not been that productive. Emilie, please forgive me.
Today is Andrea's funeral. I'm still in shock and pretty numb about her death. She was so young, her kids were young and it was so very unexpected. In a way, I refuse to believe that she has actually died so I can't ever imagine how her family feels, her parents, her children....her fiance. If, at work, her loss has hit us hard it must be even harder for her family.
I always try to be good people (that was for you Emilie) but I have to take some time here and wonder how good of a person I really am. I don't know, I really don't know. I get that I am probably my biggest critic and I'm not sure where to draw the line. You should want to be a better person but you probably shouldn't beat yourself up to much.
I feel like people can spend so much time disliking each other, but for what? I'm guilty of it. Ask me about those kids at work. But I have to wonder, how does fostering a dislike for anyone do anything productive for anyone? Maybe hate starts with a negative thought. Sure ignorance plays it's part but isn't being so negative in the first place ignorant?
In the end, what good does it all do? While I don't want to be that fake smiling person that loves everyone I don't want to be so negative anymore either. And I get that some would say I could be more negative where Mike is concerned, that I'm to nice as it is but it just doesn't feel that way.
It's been a crazy year. That damn flood started it all. Joking.....hmmm not really. I don't know. I'm going to make the best of it. I had a long conversation with Matt today about how I'm not sure I want to be single but I don't see myself ever getting married again. I like the freedom I have right now to focus on myself and figure out who I am. I like knowing that I can hang out with my guy friends without someone getting jealous. Single sounds good.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I'm good people.
Wow, it has been awhile. I've neglected this blog because I was tired of writing about crap, aka my separation and work crap. Did I mention crap?
I'm going to do something unheard of for me. I'm going to write about positive things. This of course being inspired by Emilie and her blogging adventures. It's funny that I would say that because Emilie and I only write this stuff for each other though my page tells me other people have been looking. Don't do it people. I'm telling you now this is the kind of shit only Emilie can understand.
I was thinking a lot about work last night. I have had a good couple of work days mostly brought on by the fact that I got to work with Emilie on Monday. My good mood has carried from there. Here is what I thought about......I love working with the mentally ill. I realize it isn't a job I should focus on forever and that isn't my intention but man I love those crazy clients. Sometimes.
Beyond that there are a select few coworkers that I am crazy about as well. You build that connection after awhile and though it will pain you to hear it I must say it reminds me of Royal Fork in that aspect.
Let's make a top ten list! Here are my top ten favorite memories of Hamilton Center thus far. Pay no attention to the order. It ain't a thing.
1. Getting punched in the face by my favorite client of all times. Don't let his small size fool you people. When the boy isn't well mentally he packs a mean punch. I had the blackened face to prove it.
2. The night of the Terre Haute tornadoes at Ft. Harrison. I was stuck in a small laundry room with ten mentally ill guys all night. I never saw any tornadoes but had to stay hunkered down witht he clients all the same. After a few hours of no smoking they got pissed. Thanks to that night my vocab of bad words tripled. I've got the foul language to prove it. I've never been called a god damn whore so many times. Good times, good times.
3. Playing Uno with Matt and falling out of my chair for no reason at all. It's what I do. I walk, I fall. I sit, I fall. I wake up in the morning and I fall down the stairs. I've got the bruises to prove it.
4. Hamilton Center Softball. We never won but we always drank a lot. It was even better after Emilie joined. One game Matt, Sarah and I made a pact not to drink. That pact lasted all of the work day. We got to the park then quickly turned around and found a liquor store. I've got the beer belly to prove it.
5. Book club....all two times. Book club with John's whiskey and Emilie's coping skills was the best. As usual Emilie and I were the only one's to talk about the book. I've got the knowledge to prove it.
6. Handing out presents to the clients with Cody one Christmas eve only to discover a client bought Cody and I gifts as well. I watched Cody open his gift and saw that he received a beer stein with two pairs of silk boxers stuffed in it. I will never forget it, ever. Cody has the boxers to prove it.
7. One birthday a client came back from free time toting a bag from CVS. He then told me he had a birthday present for me. I tried to explain to him for what might have been the 20th time I couldn't take gifts from him. He gave me my gift anyway. Two sticks of deoderant. I've got the smell good armpits to prove it.
8. Cowering in the kitchen with Emilie as a very irate client threw plates at us. This is the same client who pretends to kill me on a daily basis. Subacute is short about five plates to prove it.
9. Lunch time rewind. Enough said. I have a vast knowledge of cheesy 90's lyrics to prove it.
10. Listening to the radio while watching Matt play mobsters yet again only to find that we are both dancing together. He was executing a very fine robot while I was raising the roof. We both agreed never to speak of it ever again.
It's not really a top ten list. Just the first ten that came to my head. I need to do something now, like medicate the mentally ill while picturing Emilie naked. What? Whoa....I didn't just think that. I'm good people after all.
I'm going to do something unheard of for me. I'm going to write about positive things. This of course being inspired by Emilie and her blogging adventures. It's funny that I would say that because Emilie and I only write this stuff for each other though my page tells me other people have been looking. Don't do it people. I'm telling you now this is the kind of shit only Emilie can understand.
I was thinking a lot about work last night. I have had a good couple of work days mostly brought on by the fact that I got to work with Emilie on Monday. My good mood has carried from there. Here is what I thought about......I love working with the mentally ill. I realize it isn't a job I should focus on forever and that isn't my intention but man I love those crazy clients. Sometimes.
Beyond that there are a select few coworkers that I am crazy about as well. You build that connection after awhile and though it will pain you to hear it I must say it reminds me of Royal Fork in that aspect.
Let's make a top ten list! Here are my top ten favorite memories of Hamilton Center thus far. Pay no attention to the order. It ain't a thing.
1. Getting punched in the face by my favorite client of all times. Don't let his small size fool you people. When the boy isn't well mentally he packs a mean punch. I had the blackened face to prove it.
2. The night of the Terre Haute tornadoes at Ft. Harrison. I was stuck in a small laundry room with ten mentally ill guys all night. I never saw any tornadoes but had to stay hunkered down witht he clients all the same. After a few hours of no smoking they got pissed. Thanks to that night my vocab of bad words tripled. I've got the foul language to prove it. I've never been called a god damn whore so many times. Good times, good times.
3. Playing Uno with Matt and falling out of my chair for no reason at all. It's what I do. I walk, I fall. I sit, I fall. I wake up in the morning and I fall down the stairs. I've got the bruises to prove it.
4. Hamilton Center Softball. We never won but we always drank a lot. It was even better after Emilie joined. One game Matt, Sarah and I made a pact not to drink. That pact lasted all of the work day. We got to the park then quickly turned around and found a liquor store. I've got the beer belly to prove it.
5. Book club....all two times. Book club with John's whiskey and Emilie's coping skills was the best. As usual Emilie and I were the only one's to talk about the book. I've got the knowledge to prove it.
6. Handing out presents to the clients with Cody one Christmas eve only to discover a client bought Cody and I gifts as well. I watched Cody open his gift and saw that he received a beer stein with two pairs of silk boxers stuffed in it. I will never forget it, ever. Cody has the boxers to prove it.
7. One birthday a client came back from free time toting a bag from CVS. He then told me he had a birthday present for me. I tried to explain to him for what might have been the 20th time I couldn't take gifts from him. He gave me my gift anyway. Two sticks of deoderant. I've got the smell good armpits to prove it.
8. Cowering in the kitchen with Emilie as a very irate client threw plates at us. This is the same client who pretends to kill me on a daily basis. Subacute is short about five plates to prove it.
9. Lunch time rewind. Enough said. I have a vast knowledge of cheesy 90's lyrics to prove it.
10. Listening to the radio while watching Matt play mobsters yet again only to find that we are both dancing together. He was executing a very fine robot while I was raising the roof. We both agreed never to speak of it ever again.
It's not really a top ten list. Just the first ten that came to my head. I need to do something now, like medicate the mentally ill while picturing Emilie naked. What? Whoa....I didn't just think that. I'm good people after all.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Maybe the sun will shine today.....
Oh man. I have not been in the right state of mind to write for a little bit. I’m not sure I am now. I have so much going on in my head and I feel like it might be a good idea to get it out.
Mike and I are going on two weeks of separation. The separation thus far has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. It would be like that under normal circumstances but as usual we manage to complicate it as much as possible. I suppose, I am more dramatic than I like to think. However, with each passing day we come closer to knowing where we want to be with this separation; which as apart.
We don’t function well together. The bitterness of trying to function well together is such that we make each other miserable and hurt each other in the worst imaginable ways. It just won’t work. I don’t know if it ever will again. I don’t think we are ready to fill out divorce papers but we definitely need time and space. If we can manage friendship at this point then…well….good for us. It is all I have the energy for.
It is hard with a child involved. I have to admit that if we based our choices on what is totally right for her then we would just tolerate each other and stay together. One can only hope that she is as resilient as we make her out to be. One can only hope. Time and future therapy bills will tell us in due time.
So now I have had almost two weeks to adjust to this separation. And it has taken that much time. I have done not as well as I could have but better than I would have thought. Perhaps I am more resilient than I thought. Perhaps we all are.
Though Mike and I are free of each other I have no desire to date anyone at all. I want to focus on myself and what I need and want and I don’t want to be dependent on a male to provide happiness for me. I want to find it on my own first. I don’t want to feel like I have to change for anyone or fear of what someone thinks of me. I’m just too tired to do that. Is that selfish? I hope so. I feel like being selfish. I hope Mike feels the same. That is what a separation is about…after Abi that is. She should always come first.
I don’t want much for myself. Just to know that I have attempted to do everything I ever wanted to do. I have plans, oh yes, I do.
What is my heart’s desire? Well, it is quiet simple. I picture myself in a house filled with books. I love books and I can’t live without them. They have to be in every room. I want a house bursting with books. I want the pantry filled with things that I grew and canned with my own hands. A cookie jar filled with cookies Abi and I made our selves.
In the yard should be lots of flower that Abi and I worked together to plant. A clothesline with fresh laundered linens hanging to dry. Did I mention chickens? Oh yes, there should be chickens that we collect eggs from. Chickens that I can feed everyday.
I want home cooked meals three times a day. I want friends and family to walk in on a regular basis and never have to knock. Is this vision to small or too big? I am not sure. I am not sure why it was not attainable before.
The more I look at my marriage the more I realize that it was not the fault of one (man do I want to say Mike here) but of both. Could we have tried harder? I’m sure of it. However, I’m not sure it would have yielded a different result in the end. We were not that sure when we got married. We were still two kids just having fun. Just doing what was expected.
The best thing I hope to get from all this is to be friends again. To be there for each other and to be the best parents we can for Abi. Traditional separations and divorces dictate that it should be messier. I don’t think so though. I think if we keep our heads on straight we can do this right and in the least hurtful way, I hope.
Lastly, I have come up with a new business adventure. This is not new for me. Lauri and I used to sit around dreaming up these things….we just never implemented them at all. And there were many, many, and many of them.
For some reason I like to clean other people’s houses. It’s weird and stupid because I don’t like to clean mine all that much at times. So I can’t explain it. When my great grandmother was dying I used to go clean my grandmothers clients houses all the time for her. She spent years cleaning houses for people and I loved tagging along. It is something I thought of doing on the side. Then, I totally shocked myself by coming up with an original spin for this business. I should go green with it and offer people a cleaning service with environmentally friendly cleaning products. The environment wins and it will be safer for children, pets and adults living in the house. Wow, I amaze myself. Not to mention that the products will be less inexpensive.
Mike also mentioned that I could help interested clients set up recycling areas. I could do that! Mike and I fell out of recycling but we were hard core over it for the longest time. I even went as far as refusing to buy baby food in the plastic containers because I could not recycle them.
So I lined up two work friends at reduced rates to try this out. I want to make sure that my products work, the clients are satisfied with them and I’m not going to kill myself before I commit to this hardcore. However, I am pretty damn excited about this. Rachel Carson would be too!
I might need a backup job if I keep pissing my boss off (Thanks a lot Emilie!). I think I am going to start making small goals for myself. A plan of action. I am only functioning well about every other day. That is no way to live. I think I can do better. And…I would like nothing better than to piss my mom off by showing her that Mike and I are doing the right thing by separating. I’m moving on with my bad self. Woohoo!
Mike and I are going on two weeks of separation. The separation thus far has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. It would be like that under normal circumstances but as usual we manage to complicate it as much as possible. I suppose, I am more dramatic than I like to think. However, with each passing day we come closer to knowing where we want to be with this separation; which as apart.
We don’t function well together. The bitterness of trying to function well together is such that we make each other miserable and hurt each other in the worst imaginable ways. It just won’t work. I don’t know if it ever will again. I don’t think we are ready to fill out divorce papers but we definitely need time and space. If we can manage friendship at this point then…well….good for us. It is all I have the energy for.
It is hard with a child involved. I have to admit that if we based our choices on what is totally right for her then we would just tolerate each other and stay together. One can only hope that she is as resilient as we make her out to be. One can only hope. Time and future therapy bills will tell us in due time.
So now I have had almost two weeks to adjust to this separation. And it has taken that much time. I have done not as well as I could have but better than I would have thought. Perhaps I am more resilient than I thought. Perhaps we all are.
Though Mike and I are free of each other I have no desire to date anyone at all. I want to focus on myself and what I need and want and I don’t want to be dependent on a male to provide happiness for me. I want to find it on my own first. I don’t want to feel like I have to change for anyone or fear of what someone thinks of me. I’m just too tired to do that. Is that selfish? I hope so. I feel like being selfish. I hope Mike feels the same. That is what a separation is about…after Abi that is. She should always come first.
I don’t want much for myself. Just to know that I have attempted to do everything I ever wanted to do. I have plans, oh yes, I do.
What is my heart’s desire? Well, it is quiet simple. I picture myself in a house filled with books. I love books and I can’t live without them. They have to be in every room. I want a house bursting with books. I want the pantry filled with things that I grew and canned with my own hands. A cookie jar filled with cookies Abi and I made our selves.
In the yard should be lots of flower that Abi and I worked together to plant. A clothesline with fresh laundered linens hanging to dry. Did I mention chickens? Oh yes, there should be chickens that we collect eggs from. Chickens that I can feed everyday.
I want home cooked meals three times a day. I want friends and family to walk in on a regular basis and never have to knock. Is this vision to small or too big? I am not sure. I am not sure why it was not attainable before.
The more I look at my marriage the more I realize that it was not the fault of one (man do I want to say Mike here) but of both. Could we have tried harder? I’m sure of it. However, I’m not sure it would have yielded a different result in the end. We were not that sure when we got married. We were still two kids just having fun. Just doing what was expected.
The best thing I hope to get from all this is to be friends again. To be there for each other and to be the best parents we can for Abi. Traditional separations and divorces dictate that it should be messier. I don’t think so though. I think if we keep our heads on straight we can do this right and in the least hurtful way, I hope.
Lastly, I have come up with a new business adventure. This is not new for me. Lauri and I used to sit around dreaming up these things….we just never implemented them at all. And there were many, many, and many of them.
For some reason I like to clean other people’s houses. It’s weird and stupid because I don’t like to clean mine all that much at times. So I can’t explain it. When my great grandmother was dying I used to go clean my grandmothers clients houses all the time for her. She spent years cleaning houses for people and I loved tagging along. It is something I thought of doing on the side. Then, I totally shocked myself by coming up with an original spin for this business. I should go green with it and offer people a cleaning service with environmentally friendly cleaning products. The environment wins and it will be safer for children, pets and adults living in the house. Wow, I amaze myself. Not to mention that the products will be less inexpensive.
Mike also mentioned that I could help interested clients set up recycling areas. I could do that! Mike and I fell out of recycling but we were hard core over it for the longest time. I even went as far as refusing to buy baby food in the plastic containers because I could not recycle them.
So I lined up two work friends at reduced rates to try this out. I want to make sure that my products work, the clients are satisfied with them and I’m not going to kill myself before I commit to this hardcore. However, I am pretty damn excited about this. Rachel Carson would be too!
I might need a backup job if I keep pissing my boss off (Thanks a lot Emilie!). I think I am going to start making small goals for myself. A plan of action. I am only functioning well about every other day. That is no way to live. I think I can do better. And…I would like nothing better than to piss my mom off by showing her that Mike and I are doing the right thing by separating. I’m moving on with my bad self. Woohoo!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Why yes, I would like some vodka with my OJ.
Shit. All I really want to do is curl up in fetal position in the corner and cry. I kind of want to be dramatic about it as well. I picture myself with eyes so swollen that I look like I have been beaten up and tears that won’t stop saying over and over again “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” Are you feeling sorry for me yet? Don’t be. I refuse to pull any of that dramatic shit.
It has been one hell of a week. I’ve survived the first week and if you even knew the half of it you would be handing my sorry ass a Grammy right now for the best performance of my life. And because I haven’t broke down completely with all the bullshit going on I’m going to get all high and mighty and coach you how to get through this if ever it should happen to you. Ready, set, go!
This is Rebecca’s sure fire way to survive a separation.
Step 1: Let Go. This is important. You can’t move on without doing this. Don’t try to tell me you love him and you know he will get around to loving you. Let go. This makes for a more civil separation if there is such a thing.
Step 2: Separate living spaces ASAP. Don’t be staying in the same house like idiots. With separation comes bitterness. By the time you get to this point you will have spent so much time beating each other up so surely you can both execute this move without trying to hold on to much.
Step 3: Purchase a big fucking bottle of vodka. Go ahead and make it Smirnoff. You deserve it. Don’t drink it now. You are still okay. However, you are going to need that shit the first night your kid stays the night with the ex. If you don’t have a kid then by all means get to drinking.
Step 4: This is the step where you realize you need to stop calling the ex. You won’t realize that though until he stops answering your calls and texts. A friend after separation probably isn’t going to be a big hit at first.
Step 5: Convince your family that this what you need by turning into some cleaning, smiling, singing control freak. They will think you are getting back to good. You will know it’s because if you stop moving for one second you will loose it and may never find composure again.
Step 6: When you exhaust yourself from cleaning and everything is spinning and you feel like you are going to faint because you haven’t been sleeping then go to a dark room, lay down in the bed and tell yourself that you are not going to fall apart over and over and over again. When everything stops spinning and you have blinked back any tears then you may get up and continue putting on that good show.
Step 7: Put down the god damned cell phone! Didn’t we already cover this? You will not call people. You will get used to being alone. Understand that there are people who care for you but if you are going to get past this and move on it will need to be alone.
Step 8: Do try to remember to eat something every once in awhile. You need to take care of yourself.
Step 9: Do not dwell on everything you are loosing. Think about what you want to gain.
Step 10: Write a about it. You’ve got to get it out somehow :)
It has been one hell of a week. I’ve survived the first week and if you even knew the half of it you would be handing my sorry ass a Grammy right now for the best performance of my life. And because I haven’t broke down completely with all the bullshit going on I’m going to get all high and mighty and coach you how to get through this if ever it should happen to you. Ready, set, go!
This is Rebecca’s sure fire way to survive a separation.
Step 1: Let Go. This is important. You can’t move on without doing this. Don’t try to tell me you love him and you know he will get around to loving you. Let go. This makes for a more civil separation if there is such a thing.
Step 2: Separate living spaces ASAP. Don’t be staying in the same house like idiots. With separation comes bitterness. By the time you get to this point you will have spent so much time beating each other up so surely you can both execute this move without trying to hold on to much.
Step 3: Purchase a big fucking bottle of vodka. Go ahead and make it Smirnoff. You deserve it. Don’t drink it now. You are still okay. However, you are going to need that shit the first night your kid stays the night with the ex. If you don’t have a kid then by all means get to drinking.
Step 4: This is the step where you realize you need to stop calling the ex. You won’t realize that though until he stops answering your calls and texts. A friend after separation probably isn’t going to be a big hit at first.
Step 5: Convince your family that this what you need by turning into some cleaning, smiling, singing control freak. They will think you are getting back to good. You will know it’s because if you stop moving for one second you will loose it and may never find composure again.
Step 6: When you exhaust yourself from cleaning and everything is spinning and you feel like you are going to faint because you haven’t been sleeping then go to a dark room, lay down in the bed and tell yourself that you are not going to fall apart over and over and over again. When everything stops spinning and you have blinked back any tears then you may get up and continue putting on that good show.
Step 7: Put down the god damned cell phone! Didn’t we already cover this? You will not call people. You will get used to being alone. Understand that there are people who care for you but if you are going to get past this and move on it will need to be alone.
Step 8: Do try to remember to eat something every once in awhile. You need to take care of yourself.
Step 9: Do not dwell on everything you are loosing. Think about what you want to gain.
Step 10: Write a about it. You’ve got to get it out somehow :)
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The quote goes something like, "The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end".......
It’s only the middle of the week and already it feels like it’s dragged on. It has been a most unusual week. It has been a very hard week. Mike and I have decided to separate. We have decided that we are no longer good together, that we no longer exist. It was a very mutual decision. One that has taken years to recognize and months to decide. It is what is best.
I’m okay with all this but I’m also very on edge. I have had no time to myself since the decision. I’m either at work or taking care of Abi or at the beck and call of my family. I feel like I’m going insane. A separation under normal circumstances would be hard but one where you aren’t given any alone time to deal with everything and cry is far worse. I took the day off of work to try and deal with everything and have been up and have been busier than if I were actually at work. My family really sucks right now.
I gave them notice that I would need to go into town to run errands and hoped against all hope that it would provide me some alone time. Then my mom informs me that I need to pick up my crack head brother and run him around. I have to think that if I can survive this without any time to deal than surely I am a lot stronger than I thought.
It makes it harder that Mike is still here. I don’t want to tell my family until he moves out. So I stay out of my usual hiding places to give him some space and have been forced to interact full time with my family. I do love them…I think. Someone is always yelling here. Even when they are talking they are yelling. I fell down the god damned stairs yet again this morning. Maybe I have already hit the point of crazy and just haven’t recognized it.
Fuck it…I’m going to Canada :)
I’m okay with all this but I’m also very on edge. I have had no time to myself since the decision. I’m either at work or taking care of Abi or at the beck and call of my family. I feel like I’m going insane. A separation under normal circumstances would be hard but one where you aren’t given any alone time to deal with everything and cry is far worse. I took the day off of work to try and deal with everything and have been up and have been busier than if I were actually at work. My family really sucks right now.
I gave them notice that I would need to go into town to run errands and hoped against all hope that it would provide me some alone time. Then my mom informs me that I need to pick up my crack head brother and run him around. I have to think that if I can survive this without any time to deal than surely I am a lot stronger than I thought.
It makes it harder that Mike is still here. I don’t want to tell my family until he moves out. So I stay out of my usual hiding places to give him some space and have been forced to interact full time with my family. I do love them…I think. Someone is always yelling here. Even when they are talking they are yelling. I fell down the god damned stairs yet again this morning. Maybe I have already hit the point of crazy and just haven’t recognized it.
Fuck it…I’m going to Canada :)
Sunday, September 21, 2008
I have a torrid love affair going on.........
With books that is. I fear that no one, not no one loves books as much as I. I'm dealing with it and moving on. Let me tell you though that you are missing a great deal when you don't make a proper habit of reading. However, I'm moving on.
I just finished another book today. I won't go into detail but it was good. I thought a great deal after I finished reading the book. I kept wondering what it is was that I liked about the book so much and then it hit me. Though the book was dry in some places there were moments where the words were perfect. They could stand alone from the book and still have a great deal of meaning.
I don't need books to relate to my life so I can relate to them. It's nice when it happens from time to time but I don't need it. I need them to teach me more than anything. I can't relate to people sometimes, a lot of times. Along the way I find a few people that I can learn from but I understand words more than anything.
Words so beautifully contained in books are always there. Sometimes I don't understand what they are saying and I have to mature a little and then come back and read them. This happened the first time I read "1984". I thought it was rubbish the first time I tried to get through it. The second time I picked it up I didn't stop reading it until I was done with it, until I was pissed off and crying like a mad woman in the end. That's the way it is with me...I am moved more by words and less by people.
Everyone knows who Nelson Mandela is. One day I purchased his biography "Long Walk To Freedom" at the book store. It turns out I did not know who he was at all. I was so moved by his book. I learned how ignorant I was about the struggles of South Africa. I learned how ignorant I was as a person. You could have yelled at me before I read that and told me how ignorant I was about South Africa's struggles but I would have disregarded you. I get written words though. I get books.
It's why I get so dissapointed in movies. I can't take it when a book I love so much gets turned into a movie. After a few tries of trying to watch the book turned into a movie go around I gave up. Unless I didn't fancy the book so much I won't watch the movie. It makes me pissed off when vital parts are left out and characters are cast all wrong. I get irate when the acting is not passionate enough for the words. If you have ever read "White Oleander" by Janet Fitch do not ever see the movie. It is awful and all wrong.
I use books as an escape always. They are precious to me. I don't need to brag and say that I can read a book in a day or that I read so many books each week. It doesn't matter. Perhaps reading is a different experience for each individual. I am only concerned that books provide an escape for me when I need, give me an excuse to cry when I need it, and teach me something always. It is enough for me.
I just finished another book today. I won't go into detail but it was good. I thought a great deal after I finished reading the book. I kept wondering what it is was that I liked about the book so much and then it hit me. Though the book was dry in some places there were moments where the words were perfect. They could stand alone from the book and still have a great deal of meaning.
I don't need books to relate to my life so I can relate to them. It's nice when it happens from time to time but I don't need it. I need them to teach me more than anything. I can't relate to people sometimes, a lot of times. Along the way I find a few people that I can learn from but I understand words more than anything.
Words so beautifully contained in books are always there. Sometimes I don't understand what they are saying and I have to mature a little and then come back and read them. This happened the first time I read "1984". I thought it was rubbish the first time I tried to get through it. The second time I picked it up I didn't stop reading it until I was done with it, until I was pissed off and crying like a mad woman in the end. That's the way it is with me...I am moved more by words and less by people.
Everyone knows who Nelson Mandela is. One day I purchased his biography "Long Walk To Freedom" at the book store. It turns out I did not know who he was at all. I was so moved by his book. I learned how ignorant I was about the struggles of South Africa. I learned how ignorant I was as a person. You could have yelled at me before I read that and told me how ignorant I was about South Africa's struggles but I would have disregarded you. I get written words though. I get books.
It's why I get so dissapointed in movies. I can't take it when a book I love so much gets turned into a movie. After a few tries of trying to watch the book turned into a movie go around I gave up. Unless I didn't fancy the book so much I won't watch the movie. It makes me pissed off when vital parts are left out and characters are cast all wrong. I get irate when the acting is not passionate enough for the words. If you have ever read "White Oleander" by Janet Fitch do not ever see the movie. It is awful and all wrong.
I use books as an escape always. They are precious to me. I don't need to brag and say that I can read a book in a day or that I read so many books each week. It doesn't matter. Perhaps reading is a different experience for each individual. I am only concerned that books provide an escape for me when I need, give me an excuse to cry when I need it, and teach me something always. It is enough for me.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Is being nice the same as being dramatic? I guess so.
I took a long drive to wal-mart with Matt today at work. We had a loooong discussion about work. We both concur that it just ain't what it used to be. Besides Emilie (and okay some of the boys are okay....) work fucking sucks. I've never had to tiptoe around anyone at work. Never at subacute was there ever drama. Not since all the kids came along anyway. One might say that me writing this blog is just as dramatic. I say fuck you. Stop reading now if you don't want to hear the shit. This is my venting place. If you don't like it then get out....real quick like.
Rod Stewart showed up on facebook yesterday and he was quickly followed by Right Said Fred. I don't care what any moron says, that shit is hilarious. It has given most of us the good laugh we all deserve after a horrible week filled with to much tension. Facebook has always been drama at work....well it was okay until all the kids. I've made mention before how it's used to let you know if you are cool or not. Unfortunately yesterday I had to go there and delete a few fellows. It's to much. People scoping my page then texting my legions of haters to tell them what I'm up to in the facebook world. I made the choice to go there and I'm okay with it. It was refreshing but not without the consequence of the deleted person texting me to see if I was really mad and to see if I would take her back. I won't.
Rod decided to invite everyone to be his friend on facebook. He shouldn't have, I told him he was a silly bitch for doing it. But he was all like "Rebecca I love everyone and besides I saw Mary being cool with you in passdown, that bloody bitch wants to be my friend". So he invited everyone. There were consequences to be dealt with. Rod had no idea.
Abi is half asleep and we are hanging out. All of a sudden I get this text:
15743090479: did you create the character on facebook roderick david stewart?
Me: Who is this?
15743090479: alena
Me: Yes. It is not a joke on anyone though so please don't get mad. Its just supposed to be funnny...I didn't want it to look like I was making fun of anyone so I invited everyone. It's just fun so don't be offended.
15743090479: i know but what part of dont bug me did you not understand when i talked to you in the med room? if im not friends with you why would i be with some character
Me: Shit. I cant keep up. I was trying to be cool about it. I am not trying to be hateful with it. I am not the evil person you are trying to make me out to be.
15743090479: i just dont want to have anything to do with you becca..in all honesty. why would i? there is so much drama i just rather keep my distance from u.
Me: Sure. All the drama at work stems from me. You know nothing about me. I wont say i have never said or done things i dont regret. But its nothing more than anyone else has done. I have always tried to do that right thing. I am not any more dramatic than anyone else there.
Me: Got it already.
15743090470: im not friends with u on FB. i would think its common sense that i wouldnt add a character that you have made up we can talk on a work/need basis. all thats need
Me: Got it already. Chill.
15743090470: well i hope you do get it...i thought you got it last time we talked but apparently not. so to put it bluntly leave me the fuck alone....unless work related.
Wow. That was some texting. I've never had the angry texting before. It was crazy. Now keep in mind the whole time Mary was texting me her lackey Jami was texting me to ask if I still loved her and if I was mad at her. Crazy bitches. Sure I'm dramatic. I'm not saying I'm not. But I put an olive branch out there and Mary shoved it up my ass. It hurt a little. I'm being easy on my bum today.
It's crazy. I was at a looow place last night. I mean really low. I'm not worried about what others think so much but to have a group of people at work that thinks I'm the most evil person ever. Well, enough said.
I chatted with Diona online. And because I know she reads this I will say thanks for the chat. However, I would just like to send a big shout out to Emilie for telling me I was just trying to be nice (I was) and that Mary can shove it. And a double thanks to Ryan for cracking my shit up about the whole thing.
Thankfully at the end of all this I have Abi to cuddle with. Oh Abi. She's never going to be a Mary or Jami or a pussycat doll or a bratz lover. I know her to well. I really wanted to listen to the Beatles with her these past couple of days but there isn't any noise aloud in Shepardsville or something. I think her and I might have to go do something fun tonight. Girls night....sans drama.
All I have to say is bring Friday on. I'm ready to book club it up.
Rod Stewart showed up on facebook yesterday and he was quickly followed by Right Said Fred. I don't care what any moron says, that shit is hilarious. It has given most of us the good laugh we all deserve after a horrible week filled with to much tension. Facebook has always been drama at work....well it was okay until all the kids. I've made mention before how it's used to let you know if you are cool or not. Unfortunately yesterday I had to go there and delete a few fellows. It's to much. People scoping my page then texting my legions of haters to tell them what I'm up to in the facebook world. I made the choice to go there and I'm okay with it. It was refreshing but not without the consequence of the deleted person texting me to see if I was really mad and to see if I would take her back. I won't.
Rod decided to invite everyone to be his friend on facebook. He shouldn't have, I told him he was a silly bitch for doing it. But he was all like "Rebecca I love everyone and besides I saw Mary being cool with you in passdown, that bloody bitch wants to be my friend". So he invited everyone. There were consequences to be dealt with. Rod had no idea.
Abi is half asleep and we are hanging out. All of a sudden I get this text:
15743090479: did you create the character on facebook roderick david stewart?
Me: Who is this?
15743090479: alena
Me: Yes. It is not a joke on anyone though so please don't get mad. Its just supposed to be funnny...I didn't want it to look like I was making fun of anyone so I invited everyone. It's just fun so don't be offended.
15743090479: i know but what part of dont bug me did you not understand when i talked to you in the med room? if im not friends with you why would i be with some character
Me: Shit. I cant keep up. I was trying to be cool about it. I am not trying to be hateful with it. I am not the evil person you are trying to make me out to be.
15743090479: i just dont want to have anything to do with you becca..in all honesty. why would i? there is so much drama i just rather keep my distance from u.
Me: Sure. All the drama at work stems from me. You know nothing about me. I wont say i have never said or done things i dont regret. But its nothing more than anyone else has done. I have always tried to do that right thing. I am not any more dramatic than anyone else there.
Me: Got it already.
15743090470: im not friends with u on FB. i would think its common sense that i wouldnt add a character that you have made up we can talk on a work/need basis. all thats need
Me: Got it already. Chill.
15743090470: well i hope you do get it...i thought you got it last time we talked but apparently not. so to put it bluntly leave me the fuck alone....unless work related.
Wow. That was some texting. I've never had the angry texting before. It was crazy. Now keep in mind the whole time Mary was texting me her lackey Jami was texting me to ask if I still loved her and if I was mad at her. Crazy bitches. Sure I'm dramatic. I'm not saying I'm not. But I put an olive branch out there and Mary shoved it up my ass. It hurt a little. I'm being easy on my bum today.
It's crazy. I was at a looow place last night. I mean really low. I'm not worried about what others think so much but to have a group of people at work that thinks I'm the most evil person ever. Well, enough said.
I chatted with Diona online. And because I know she reads this I will say thanks for the chat. However, I would just like to send a big shout out to Emilie for telling me I was just trying to be nice (I was) and that Mary can shove it. And a double thanks to Ryan for cracking my shit up about the whole thing.
Thankfully at the end of all this I have Abi to cuddle with. Oh Abi. She's never going to be a Mary or Jami or a pussycat doll or a bratz lover. I know her to well. I really wanted to listen to the Beatles with her these past couple of days but there isn't any noise aloud in Shepardsville or something. I think her and I might have to go do something fun tonight. Girls night....sans drama.
All I have to say is bring Friday on. I'm ready to book club it up.
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